live with regret

Dear 11 year old self

he is your Grandpa through marriage

he has a wife and kids

he should be safe 

he should be trusted

so you trust him 

why did you trust him?

Open your eyes

you sit in the front seat with him

his hand discovers the warm part of your leg

but it turns cold

once his icy fingers find you

you let him buy your favorite cereal

you have no appetite for

and you take forvever to eat it

because it's hard to swallow 

with only your teeth

Open your soul

you say yes to watching a movie

why did you say yes to him?

you stiffen like spintering wood

when his hand sniffs you out

it hurts, doesn't feel right

so you tell him you have to pee

and sleep in your aunt's bed

Open Your Mouth

pull your tongue out 

and scrape that one small word off

with your dirt filled nails

Open Your Mouth

yell as loud as your premature lungs will allow you to

do what I never could do

Tell him no

why won't you tell him?

Dear 11 year old self,

I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused

I'm sorry to say it's not over

I'm sorry for all the sleepless nights you had to endure

I'm sorry for never opening up

I'm sorry you had to be there for it all

and

I'm sorry I never loved you

-aly