Log #1

 She praises an image, the only beautiful she see's is in her pain. She writes her feeling on the page, giving her anger, her sorrow, her sadness a name and words to speak. She holds her blanket at night and cries thinking no one understands. The way she looks at herself is not the way others look at her. Silent cries and sleepless nights are all she has. She feels comfort in her sadness. The only thing keeping her from going over the edge is fear. The fear of death is keeping her alive. She doesn't want to die but it seems like the people around her want her to. She walks through the halls and here's the endless screams of laughter at her. She keeps her head low and wishes that every day it would be better. She only sees Beauty and her own pain she writes on her bedroom wall songs and stories that she feels mirror her pain. She wants to be beautiful but she never sees that she is truly beautiful hurts cue you not make her anything less they are just a sign that shows what she has been through she Praises an image and her scars don't make her anything but strong. 

 

-Tried to bend your kneecaps and they shattered

tried to move your legs but they bolted your joints together

and the more you tried, the more you knew

this had been the way they'd built you

in the body of a ball jointed doll

you're so fragile you can't move at all

but i just want to touch you

and i promise i won't break you

if you would be my doll just for a day

then i would put you back into your case

pieced your limbs together with chalkware skin

painted the cupid's bow above your lips

you're so beautiful but so delicate

the porcelain cracks up your back and neck

in the body of a ball jointed doll

you're so fragile you can't move at all.

 

-Repeat to yourself that they're not really gone

time has proven that fooling yourself into believing

a lie is the most effective way to deal with

things you have no control over

keep listening to the mixtapes they made you

overanalyse every single word you hear

"was this a sign that things were going wrong"

no no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them

stay up every single night staring at your phone

either attempting to gather up the courage to

turn these demons, these constant reminders of

your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream

or praying just for one second you could feel

the warmth of equally returned love

go out for coffee four times a week by yourself

always bring your notebook, never stop writing

leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip

watch them smile as you get in your car

always talk down on yourself whenever possible

my life is shit because i deserve it, right?

you must have done something real bad

its nearly impossible for you to cry now

avoid your friends for weeks even though

they're the only sense of consistency you have

left in your life, if they really wanted

to see you they'd come, but they won't (who cares?)

allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love

watch as you begin to take a backseat to the

world around you, don't fight it

become a secondary character in your own motion picture

but most importantly drown every single one of

your feelings in old stolen rum, learn to

love the taste of it dripping down your throat

find comfort in the warmth coming from your

stomach, you're drinking bottled love now

you don't need other people to drive away your loneliness

you just needed to find a way to talk to it.

 

-The things you say about yourself only reflect all that you've been through

I can't tell you how to run your  life and I can't imagine the things you want to do to yourself 

Killing is not the answer

stand 

rise

don't forget that you are an important person

Forget them

they don't matter

you matter.

 

-Can't sleep

Pulling at my bed sheets to find some kind of warmth 

holding my head in my hands and pulling my hair out

This feeling is a feeling of torment and I don't know why they all want me to feel this  way

I hate all of this, death is my only escape. 

 

-My bedroom smells like rotten food

and i guess so do i

it's harder to be good in here

than it is to starve and die

i'd give my body to satan

if i could only keep my soul

but i can't seem to find the split

between them anymore

my hair is falling out again

and i don't really care

i try to stir my conscience

it was never really there

your fingers up inside of me

feel like fingers down my throat

everything is fine in heaven

but i'll never get to know

make sacrifice in bathtubs

and stained bed covers

soak all of my clothes in holy water

and drown them like a crying son

drown them like a crying daughter

praying in the night to the angels of porn

nails in their wrists, knees on the floor

great lakes full of cum extracted from everyone.

 

-Underneath my bed there's a raincoat

Packed with scarves and books, just go look
But don't let the storm slow you down
No Honey, don't let the storm slow us down
It'll slow us down

And the sound the furnace makes irritates you
I promise by next spring we'll replace it
But don't let the wind run you out
No Honey, don't let the wind run us down
It'll run us down
It'll run us down
It'll run us down

And, Oh I want it to get better
I swear I'll work to make it better
So please don't leave quite yet
So please don't leave quite yet
Oh please don't leave quite yet
Don't leave
Please don't leave quite yet
Don't leave
Don't leave
Please don't leave quite yet  

 

 

(Songs used: Ball-jointed doll- Nicole Dollanganger

How to never stop being sad- Dandelion hands 

Angels of porn- Nicole Dollangenger

Please don't leave quite yet- Adam Agin)

This poem is about: 
Me

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