Looking

I keep on looking 

Looking to see if the next person I meet will be the one 

The one person to convince me that I should believe in love 

To believe in that indescribable feeling to never forget someone’s voice as you’re walking the 

same streets you used to walk with them 

To never forget their touch

Every caress

From their fingers to yours 

All around your back tracing images ready to be displayed to the world as a symbol of your dying love for each other 

From each single touch that sends waves of electricity that coarse through your veins making your blood pump faster

Rushing to your brain and circulating your worn and mended heart 

Yet you still find yourself looking

Looking to see if the next person I see crossing the street will notice how little you care about keeping up with the next fashion trend or aesthetic 

Looking to see if the next person wearing headphones and staring at their phone while waiting in line will stop and say

Hello 

Will stop

And ask me how my day was or what my name is 

All of which I will be surprised to reply since we just don’t do that anymore 

Since we are constantly guided and closeted by our own phones that we forget to look up 

We forget that the most important things in our lives are that of which we never truly notice until it’s too late 

Or until we meet the person that makes us notice those microscopic actions that we take for granted 

I keep on looking to see if the next message on my phone will be that one message that would change everything 

The one message that would convince me that I am wanted 

That I am desired by someone other than my own self 

A feeling of validation that I try to give myself constantly while looking in the mirror, staring back at a figure that I have grown accustomed to seeing, grown accustomed to seeing 

Alone 

Without a person to be behind me and wrap their loving arms around my waist and kiss me tenderly behind my ear

Without a person to tell me how beautiful I am because sometimes I can’t and shouldn’t be the only one to repeat those words to me 

“How beautiful”

I understand that we live in a society where self love is validated 

and important for everyone to experience 

and acknowledge every waking minute of the day 

and every second that they are breathing but 

sometimes that isn’t enough 

Sometimes it’s not enough to look at yourself in the mirror 

or small reflection that you get from a window as you are aimlessly walking back from your class because all you see is yourself 

All you see is 

Yourself 

All alone 

Walking with headphones in and looking down on your screen hoping to get that one text that will make you feel better 

Maybe it’s a new person 

Maybe a new person will enter your life and make you feel more 

More than what you are 

More than what you can become 

Make you experience more things 

Gain perspective 

Gain a feeling of what the world is all about 

Gain a sense of 

Yourself 

You

Yourself 

Has spent your whole life wondering who you actually you 

You have grown used to seeing photos of you with your friends 

Your best friends 

Your boy friends 

But never your boyfriend 

Excluding the space 

Excluding the awkward phases of conversation 

Excluding the small moments of happiness that you hope to experience when you see that one person that momentarily lights up your world 

That brings out the broken candlestick that was glued together and somehow still works 

A candlestick that you have been holding but never had the chance to light yourself because you are only human 

You only have two hands 

You are only so capable

You cannot 

You should 

Not 

Be the same person to light up that fire 

If you do 

That candlestick will fall and break again into even more pieces than before 

And what would you have then? 

A box of matches

And 

A broken candlestick 

And no energy to light up the flame as you sink down into the abyss of loneliness 

Into the abyss of listening to those sad songs you put into one playlist that you gave your own unique name 

Because that is just you 

To find a way to cope with things without direct speaking about them 

Sure you talk a lot about your problems to everyone 

But does anyone really listen 

Does anyone really care to ask more questions or check up on your feelings or ask how these thoughts came to be

or to even be there for you and listen to that same playlist even when they are not in the same mood 

In the same mood to agree or cry with you but just to be

in the same mood \

to be able to support you 

And bring that match to your candlestick 

Before it falls 

Before anything else breaks and you are left wondering why you waited so long to find someone 

Why didn’t anyone come to offer you some help? 

Why didn’t anyone want to get to know you more and understand your worth and your small quirks that are much different than everyone else yet make complete sense 

Why wasn’t anyone there 

Why wasn’t there to wish you the best of luck on your sad days when you realized that the only thing pushing you to do better is your desire to take care of everyone else 

You try to take care of yourself but the only way to so would be to destroy what you promised yourself 

You promised yourself to never be distracted by love 

Every single wish you made, every single candle you blew out, you always wished for the same thing 

Success 

Why is success more important? 

At what time will love be more important than success? 

At what time will you stop looking down at your phone and actually look up to see your reflection and relish in how far you’ve come as a person and how you don’t need anyone but you desperately want to belong to someone 

You want someone to always check up on your even on your busiest days when you can’t even take a second breath

But you just want the option \

The luxury

Why is it that no one will give you that option?

Don’t you deserve it? 

You know you do 

You crave that attention that everyone else wants 

So what makes you so different? 

You are just looking 

You are only ever just looking 

Looking through windows and seeing how empty the rooms are from the outside and seeing how empty you are inside 

Sure you have others to fill that gaping hole in your heart 

But as much as they try, they will never be able to find a large enough bandage or at least a cover to make it appear as if your heart is complete 

When you know 

It never really will be 

No matter how many times you tell yourself that you are beautiful that you are validated 

That you are worth it 

That you are not only looking 

You want to be the one finding 

Finding not looking for love 

Finding that one person to confide your deepest desires with 

Your deepest thoughts that you swore you would take to the grave with you 

You want to be the one to make the find 

To make all the looking worth it in the end 

To make all your arguments against love seem invalid 

All your arguments against being physically and emotionally close to someone, so much so that your heart aches when you are anything but steps away from each other 

All arguments that you stuffed so deeply in your brain that have been carried on by your parents who have made the same mistakes but never really confronted them because they are 

too invested 

Those same problems are too nestled inside that they can’t come out

All arguments that tell you that you will not succeed 

You finding the one will be the reason for you to mess up in the future 

You finding the one will stop you from surviving 

You want to stop looking 

You just want to stop 

Looking.