Losing What I Lost

I'm angry because I want things to work out and go back to the way they were. But I now realize it's never going to happen.

I'm disappointed in the way they speak, think, do, and how they become selfish monsters.

I'm disappointed in someone I thought I knew. But the more I see them the less I see them.

I'm disappointed that the man I looked up to was no longer a man, but debris flying by in the wind. He no longer had worth, much less respect.

Everyone yelled at him as they wanted to. Their black words spat at his face. They tested his limit waiting for the old him to return and correct them, but his silence was louder.

Being obedient was all he did. Flowers and hugs and smiles. It seemed to be too good to be true. He loved us. But it quickly passed through my fingers. Just a grasp too short.

Slowy we stopped seeing him. He seemed to barely exist. A distant thought. I started to wonder what he did during the times I didn't see him. The countless hours going by waiting. Hoping that he would return.

I stopped believing in love. What is it even? Everywhere I see, all "love" slogans seem more transparent. Like when he says "I love you".  Aunts. uncles. sisters .brothers. cousins. friends. Their love all broke and wasn't a happy ending. But I still want to believe that one day I can find someone.

I hope that against all odds, I don't wound up being the one waiting and wondering... if I could've done something different that would keep him adrift. Maybe make myself more beautiful. More loving. More supportive.

So I don't lose what I've already lost.

This poem is about: 
My family