Lost

Thu, 10/05/2017 - 13:58 -- Skyelee

I feel like I am lost.
Every mistake I make and sin I take
Doesn't lead me away
But blinds me

I can feel Thee
Standing there
I can feel the slightest breath
Of your warmth on my bare skin

But not my bare heart

My heart is not bare
It is guarded and defensive
Refusing to acknowledge
How lost
I am.

I am a little child again
But not innocent
I am rebellious and defiant
But weak.

I am broken.

I am lost

I tried to search for Thee
But really I wasn't.
I gave effort
But none at all.
I went through the motions
But not the emotions.
I took the ordinances
Without the covenants.

I forgot my covenants
I forgot my promises
I made to Thee
And just as important
What Thou promised me

I forgot the future
Thou hast beheld
Lying in wait for
A beautiful daughter

But I am not that daughter
Just like he is not for me
Not yet, not yet.
We are not ready

We are not ready
Though we want to be
Try to be
And that hurts us
Hurts me
Hurts Thee

It hurts my struggling relationship
With Thee

Was it the cause?
This foolishness I clasped onto
And accepted as the only way
The best way
When in reality it was cursed
As cursed as a knife
Which slashed my last tie
To Thee
Was it the cause?

And if that is true,
Then what is the answer
What is the way
That I so quickly missed
Somewhere back along that
Beaten, spiraling path
Spiraling down to my destruction.

What is the way
That Thou hast begged for me
Hast begged with me
Begged to me
While I didst not listen
But instead turned
And closed my blistering eyes
While I didst not heed
But instead chose myself
And my own wretched way

My own.
I am my own.
I am not Thine
I have broken the greatest blessing,
I have severed the blessed greatness
That Thou had given me.
That Thou had me.
That Thou carried me
And comforted me
And held me when I could not hold myself.

I cannot hold myself
I try, and fall.
Every time.

In only one thing do I not fail:
At failing.
At falling.
Spiraling down to my despair.

My despair:
Overwhelming.
It drowns me
It chokes me
It strangles me
Strangles the light that I have
Had.
Light that I have had.
But not anymore.
Where has that light gone?

Where has that light gone from me?
Has it been bestowed to another,
One more worthy than I?
Has someone else been granted
That knowledge and wisdom
That Love
That I had turned away mine eye?
That I had rejected and ignored
And then tried to fight

But now it's gone.

I'm left with nothing
I am nothing
I am left with nothing but myself
I am left with nothing

And so I am back here.
My eyes are open
But they cannot see
My foolishness has caused me to be blind
Though I thought I was wise
Why did I ever think I was wise?
I am never wise.
I am a fool.
And now I am a blind fool.
I am alone.
I am a lonely,
Blind
Fool.

I am just here.
Here in the darkness,
The world stretching in every direction
Farther than I can reach
Farther than I can see
But that is because I can see nothing
Except my wretched self.

I don't know what to do
Or where Thou standest

But I know Thou art near
So close.
So
close.
Yet...

Too


far.

I am lost.
My arms wave out as I try
Try to find someone,
Anyone,
Thee.
But not Thee.
I am scared
But why should I be?
Thou hadst never done anything
But save my soul
Wipe my tears
Give me strength
Hold me close
Hold me up
Hold me dear

Why am I dear to Thee?
Why hast Thou not left
Left this bitter wretch
To burn
Burn in the deepest lickings of hell.

Why art Thou still here?
I know there are those greater than me
More obedient than me
More open than me

More worthy
For Thee.

Why art Thou still here?

Why hast Thou not given up?

I have given up.
I have given up on Thee for me
Almost
I'm close
But so
far

But the Spirit buried inside of me
Will not let me quit
He will not let me quit either,
Though I offer very little to him
And am only a way to drag him down.

Please don't let me drag him down
I know I have
am making mistakes
And dumb decisions
But Please don't let me hurt him
If anything, keep him safe from me.
Keep him safe.

Keep me safe

But I have done nothing to deserve Thy safety
I have shoved Thee away
Thrown Thee away

 

Please save him
Or is he saving me?
I feel as though
Thou art using him to save me

I feel his gentle touch
As he softly takes my hand
Trying to give me courage
To turn to Thee
Thou art right there
Thou art so close
Thou and him
Both begging me to take the
Single.
Step.

To Thy open arms
Waiting to envelop me

He can't bring me that same peace
Or comfort
This he knows,
Though I try to let him
Because I am scared
Of taking that single step
To Thee

Why am I scared?
I have no reason nor logic
I just am.
Weak
Alone
A fool.
So close, yet
So
far.
With just a single step.

Please save me.

 

I don’t know how to turn Thee,

My mind has ways

But my heart is full of hate

Anger and despair

Holding me here,

Holding me back

Holding me from Thee

I don’t want to be

 

So what do I do?

 

I don’t know how to turn,

To open my eyes

To accept Thee into my soul

Into my broken heart

 

A broken heart and a contrite Spirit

Isn’t that what Thou said?

Well I am for sure broken

But my Spirit is gone

No it’s not

It’s just weak

Suffering

Praying

For me

But my heart, my idiotic heart

Is silencing it

 

What dost Thou want me to do

To get far enough that I let Thee in

So Thou canst soften my stony heart?

Because I don’t know how to soften it

I don’t understand what I need to do

 

Art Thou waiting for me to soften it

Before Thou art let in?

Because I fear

That that won’t happen

 

Please, I pray

That Thou can heal me first

 

I am tired of trying

And failing.

I know with Thee I can succeed

 

But what if the thing I need to succeed in

Is getting to Thee?

How can I succeed

Without Thee?

 

I am lost

No sliver of a clue

How do I get to You?

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Grant-Grey Porter Hawk Guda

Powerful expression! Please continue to express your life your heart and your soul! Keep sharing!

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