Lost it

Lost it I can't find it anywhere, in any dusty corner, in any special place. Losing your mind is complicated,it's dark, full of horrors,that I am left alone to face. I can't tell anyone I've lost it, without it, I don't think they'd even care. So I create a little illusion where everything is there. This illusion must be fed, but I can't keep up being fake. I try to keep it together, but I know deep down i'm going to break. My mind is whirling and twirling, I can't remember shit, I am living in a fantasy where I'm on top of it. My illusion is crumbling and i'm starting to fall. Nobody can help me nobody at all. I know that they can see me in my altered state, but no one says anything, what do they see? Do they know it is too late? I have so many inside feelings that I can't communicate, I am lost in my own confusion will this never ending nightmare become my fate. A decision is growing slowly, a plan, a way to make it end. I can hardly think it, it's so scary and what message would it send? That a world without me is better, a world without my pain, would my children forgive me or would the cycle start again. Thoughts start to flitter, is it the clarity I seek. It comes from me, from no one else, a small voice shouting you are strong you aren't weak. I have left these words many times and just looked back now and then. I can't connect to who I was and thank God I'm sane again.