Lost Laugh

And your laughter

though unintended for hurt

has cut deep into my fragile heart

and my smile

though wide

has tried so hard to fight back the screaming inside

the sound of lighthearted humor you hear

from my shy lips

is a symptom of cancer

in the tumor

on the chip

on my shoulder

I'm lost

frustrated

you think you're irritated with me?

try being me

I'm so tired of myself

the bookshelf of my potential I've left unread

with dust layering page after page

I'm trying to break free from a cage

where boys are taught to march like soldiers

to shoot down their shame with malfunctioning weapons

of porn and arrogance and success

but I confess

I can't help myself

I laugh so you can't find me

so you never see what hides behind my kindness

don't believe all the lies I tell you

don't buy the merchandise I sell to you

for I've since succumbed to my impurity

I've become my insecurity

just to numb the pain

of having to watch it burn in the hell you came to save me from

you may have the last laugh but this

this is my lost laugh

my confused veil of understanding

for I once tasted freedom in you but you

are no longer here