To a lost loved one

Dear Ariyan, 

Sometimes I stare at complacent photos of you 

Dreaming in the day wishing they would just move

Im dealing with a silent war inside 

And its killing me that I can’t turn back time

Turn back to all the moments we shared

I played small to the world and then you dared me to be everything I wanted and fuck who cared 

Never wanted life to be on my side

But on the bright side

This shit aint fair

I wake up sometimes hoping I was to be told I was in a simulation

And they wanted to inspect how pain changes peoples situations

And they wanted to see how mentally we suppress it with Jack without a chaser 

And they wondered why pain dislocate us

But I wake up and its another day without you

I can stand to say that life hasn’t been the same with out you

Then I ask myself what would I do? 

I would have gone back to our childhood and change the way we were brought up 

I would have told your father to stay low to the corruption and never get caught up 

I would have begged him to be the example you always needed

An honest man and a true father 

Cause maybe you would have looked past quesheans way and never fell in love

Maybe you would have fell in love with the finer things and say fuck the thugs 

Maybe you would have gave your first love another hug

But then there would have been no Airelle so I have to say im selfish 

She’s the best thing that has ever happened to you—so I ran out of scenarios to escape from—helpless

I got no warning, I never told you to stay well then 

Going to bed seems like labor 

Im getting drug through the mud of different demons of depression and they coming from different angles 

Thought I was up and  then realized I was still in hell then 

So I fell then 

Fell to my knees 

Almost out of breath 

The thought of you not coming back 

Made me scream 

Im sure the higher power heard it 

He gave life and at the same time death he serves it 

Serves it unexpected and no warning given

So wtf is the point in living 

So wtf is the point in life 

When it ends up as a killing 

Im wiling to learn 

I told you I was your loyal servant willing—I stood firm 

On all ten, then you snatched the life out of me when you took Ari 

So I walked through the trenches of my own hell—I was willing to burn 

As these thoughts subsided 

I felt the touch you always would give me when we were kids

Instantly my tears dried, and I let the anger fall out the pits of my fist 

I took a deep breath, and opened my eyes

With real eyes, I still realize he had never left my side 

With a broken heart, and bruised perceptions—he sent me an angel 

To each its own, but lost hope is the true danger 

To each its throne, anger is the reason cain questioned killing able 

To each its road, pain doesn’t last too long—soon turns the tables

Rest date: 12/12/17