lost in time

My minds a maze, of confusing memories, and bad dreams, mistakes and pain fill my childhood, trauma follows me every where I go it's in every memory a stain in the background, an imperfection in what could have been a cherished, pleasant memory, but it's company forbids it leaving a bitter feeling, like an unpleasant drink with an aftertaste, but their no reason to dwell in the past, theirs no reason to get lost in time remembering the bad when I should be creating new ones, hot off the press, ones where the ink hasn't even dried, to create them fast enough to where the unpleasant stain that follows me cant keep up, but to my dismay it knows me better than myself and has my every move every thought already countered and shot down before I can even think of them, a formidable opponent, an metaphysical nemesis that has a vendetta, a bone to pick with me, but how can I fight it if I'm lost in time, unable to return to the present, because no-matter what path I choose, what route I take, it always loops back to a specific chapter in my story, the first tragedy in a trilogy, that has sequels on the backburner, just waiting for their chance for the spotlight, their chance to scar me more, to add to the calligraphy that paints my mind and body, just waiting for their opportunity to add to the trauma, pain and grief I fight every day, another mistake, another thing I shouldn't have said, another reason for me to stay up at night, another reason I get lost in time, reminiscing all my mistakes, all the times I screwed up, thanks to my inability to read people, my lackluster ability to read people emotions, it leads me down a path that leads me to the beginning, just when I think I've finally escaped the stain that follows me everywhere, it jumps out just when I'm about to cross that finish line it pulls me back even further than before, and that is why I get lost in time, to find out when it all started, what caused this to be my fate, but no-matter how far back I go it always eludes me, just out of my comprehension, inches away from my grasp, like a word on the tip of  my tonged, it plagues me, leaves me distraught and confused, and it seems I will never remember the word that, sealed my fate, that chose my route in life, but in my desperate fervor I still search and turn up stones, but I've been doing this for so long that I'm flipping the same ones expecting to find something new, hoping that maybe I missed something, that I will get different results, I guess that’s one of the reasons I never make progress, in this endeavor to escape, this torture, this abhorrent stain in my life is of my own making, a pain that I subjected myself to of my own volition, my unconscious decision, that is why I get lost all the time reminiscing of past moments in my life, land mine that I set off every time, I get lost in time