Lost You

I've already lost you haven't I? I've already lost you to the past and there is no way it can be fixed, not now and not in the future.

This was my biggest fear, that after everything I would still lose you. After what we went through and all that we did, after I opened up to you and let you look inside my box, after I gave you my key.

I knew this would happen. It always does and I just don't know why I continue to make the same mistake over and over again when someone gets too close. Because when you came into the picture, and I thought that this time would be different like all the others before.

I thought that this time it would last longer , but now the same signs are back: the distance the vagueness, it's all back again and I don't know what to do this time.

Before, I had a feeling that it was happening that I was slowly but surely losing the one closest to me, so when it happened I wasn't all that surprised, just angry and disappointed that I couldn't fit in enough to matter or that I wasn't good enough to stay.

But this time was different. The beginning happened so fast and it was wonderful. Having that feeling that I actually mattered to someone as more than a friend, that someone saw me for more than I actually saw myself.

I knew in the back of my mind that the relationship wouldn't last long, I knew what was going on and part of me regretted making you chose the things that we did. I shouldn't have made you choose to keep secrets and to create lies just so I could have you to myself even if it wasn't for long.

The other part of me was grateful, glad that I could experience the things that I did with someone I loved but that just meant letting you in too deep.

I lost my arms distance and the brick walls that surrounded my mind and my soul, but now that the depression is back, I don't know what to do.

There's no one I can talk to about this.

I can't say anything about it to anyone because I know of the disappointment that they would feel towards me and I wouldn't be able to stand it.

This may not be how you think it is, but to me I can read the signs loud and clear.

I have read them a million times before and it's always the same, it always ends the same. So I guess I've lost you and I know it this time.