With Love

Dear Lily,

It's easy enough for me to pretend like I'm fine. 

At least enoufh so that it seems like I've dealt with it

Ir's easy enough to distract myself

I do it with schoolwork

With gossip

With conversation 

I do this until nobody knows I'm faking it. 

I do this so often, I even began to convince myself. 

But how do I explain that I'm not? 

That when I drive home at night 

Sometimes I see you lying on the hospital table

That your face is lifeless and your skin is cold 

That I have to pull the car over and wait five minutes before I can compose myself and keep driving

How do I begin to explain that I can't imagine a world without you? 

Even when you were missing, I knew you were coming back

And now I keep waiting for something that's missing and won't ever come back. 

That I care for you and wanted so badly to keep you safe

And now no amount of hoping

pleading

or praying 

will ever give me that change again. 

How do I explain that I'm terrified I'll forget you?

I listen to you sing before going to bed

Wrapping your voice around me like a blanket

And hoping that for you, it was as gentle as falling asleep.

I look at all the pictures I have of us and wish there were more

Enough so that I never lose a minute of the memories

Enough to last the lifetime you didn't have

How do I explain the most painful part is watching others hurt

Watching their world change so quickly

Hearing their voice break on the phone 

And hating myself because there's no one thing I can say to make it better

I'm not the person who likes to ask for help

I want to be there for everyone else

But how do I give them something

I can't even find for myself?

Someday I will find your soul. 

Manasi