LOVE WITH ANXIETY

YOU HEARD THE WORDS "I LOVE YOU" ON THE RADIO,

AND IN THE MOVIE THEATRE,

AND IN EVERY BOOK YOU HAVE EVER READ.

BUT THEN,

YOU HEARD THOSE WORDS SLIP OUT OF HIS MOUTH LIKE BEAUTIFUL STRINGS OF BLUE RIBBON WRAPPING YOU UP WITH SATIN.

YOU FELT THE CHANGE.

BUT THAT ISN’T WHAT THIS IS.

THIS ISN’T LONG DRIVES WITH YOUR HAIR DOWN, A SWELLING INDIE ROCK SONG AND A LOOK OF FREEDOM IN YOUR EYES.  

YOU’RE NOT MADE OF GALAXIES AND STARDUST YOU ARE MADE OF  BLOOD AND SPILLING IT ONLY DROPS THE TEMPERATURE MORE.

THERE IS STILL THE CONSTANT TICK INSIDE YOUR HEAD.

DO THEY LOVE ME?

DO THEY LOVE ME?

DO THEY LOVE ME?

YOU THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE THE FABRIC OF SOFT HANDS ENVELOPING YOUR BODY.

YOU THOUGHT THIS WOULD MEAN A SMILE WAS TATTOOED ON YOUR FACE AND ALL THE SADNESS WAS BLEACHED OUT OF YOUR EYES.

YOU THOUGHT ALL THE SOUNDS IN YOUR HEAD WOULD FINALLY, FINALLY BE SILENCED.

BUT THE WHITE NOISE IS STILL THERE.

THE SHAKE DEEP WITHIN YOUR BONES NEVER LEFT.

HIS SMILE DIDN’T CHANGE YOU.

HE CANT HUG YOU TIGHT ENOUGH TO FIX ALL YOUR BROKEN PIECES AND YOU ARE STILL YOU,

WITH OR WITHOUT HIM.

WITH ANXIETY THERE’S ALWAYS A HUM.

IT'S NEVER QUIET.

BUT LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE QUIET

LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO BE BEAUTIFUL

BUT YOU CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT

YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. 

YOU WANT TO BE BEAUTIFUL AND SOFT,

YOU WANT TO LOVE,

AND LOVE DEEPLY.

BUT LOVE WITH ANXIETY IS PAINFUL.

LOVE WITH ANXIETY IS LIKE A ROSE TRYING TO BREAK THROUGH LAYERS OF HAND LAID CONCRETE.

LOVE WITH ANXIETY IS A CRACK IN A MILLION DOLLAR PAINTING THAT YOU CAN’T STOP STARING AT.

LOVE WITH ANXIETY IS A GOD DAMN TEAR IN YOUR BED SHEETS AND ONE IN YOUR SKIN TO MATCH.

BUT THIS IS ME.

AND THIS IS HOW IT HAS TO BE. 

SO I SIT DOWN AND WRITE LOVE POEMS ABOUT EVERY INCH OF MY BODY, 

AND BRUSH OUT THE TANGLES THAT HAVE ACCUMULATED IN MY HAIR, 

AND I PICK MYSELF UP AND HEAD OUTSIDE. 

BECAUSE IF LOVE WITH ANXIETY FEELS LIKE THIS, 

I WILL NEED TO LEARN TO ADJUST.

BECAUSE I REFUSE TO GO ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT LOVING MYSELF.