Love in the Click Click Click of a Pen

Click click click goes the psychiatrist’s pen

Click click click and a “how are you?”

“Fine fine fine,” says a voice

Am I crazy?

But I never lost my marbles, they lost me!

STOP.

And where did I lose myself?

STOP.

I’m sorry, it’s just that I have to take pauses, you see

Sometimes the world just swirls and swirls

And when the world swirls, a tornado stirs

And when a tornado stirs, my head hurts

And when my head hurts, the world is just too bright.

Too dark

Too loud

Too soft

Too busy

Too much

A stranger sees a simple decision

To take off a coat when standing up in front of a crowd?

But I see an unsolvable joke of a human

The universe is to be disturbed

Or not.

This is when the world is too loud

Coat on.

This is when the world is too bright

Coat off.

A stranger sees the spring and is excited by the flowers

I see rats among the flowers, struggling to live

The transience!

I see every potential, but I see only a blink

I’ve been alive for a blink, but it feels like an infinity does

I have an infinity to live, but it feels like a blink does

Are we all just rats lying in the slime?

And will we sink like our ancestors before us?

Will our children grow from our dust?

I sense the more in everything

And the more is too much

The more is too bright

Too dark

Too loud

Too soft

Too busy

Too much

STOP.

Generalized anxiety disorder. STOP.

Now it’s time to find the marbles

Let’s begin with An Open Letter, 1

Dear sir:

Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you so

Was it the old lady wrinkles smirking underneath my eyes?

Their crow's feet laugh brazenly, daring you to counter

Yes, I know, so unusual for one so young

Did they offend you?

Pardon them, they usually live behind my skin

Though lately, the age of my youth has come to the surface

As you chop up, spice, and measure my life

Don't forget to add "and everything nice"

I am your humble and silently resentful servant, sir

At your behest, I wake up an hour early to paint my face

Because if I paint it just right,

I can keep all my pieces together like the tin man

Let me ask you,

does the lipstick bring out the color of my eyes as it covers the feeling?

Let me ask you,

does the bronzer add warmth as it chills the soul?

How can you be so surprised now that Barbie cracks?

Underneath the porcelain?

Underneath the foundation?

Crushed beneath the weight of my heart?

Crushed beneath the weight of your voice?

Indeed, Barbie’s – my – fish skin is wearing away thin

Fish skin is scratched paint,

leaving more fish skin behind in the wake

Or maybe that's just the proactiv drying out my face

Because red spots

(Or do I dare say it?) ACNE

is UNACCEPTABLE

And if I would just use a little more moisturizer,

maybe I could be beautiful too?

And so,

At your behest I shave my legs

At your behest I smile away the doubt

At your behest I make sure that I dress up every. single. day.

At your behest I wonder whether to take off my coat

…or not?

At your behest I see rats

I do all this because I won’t allow it

I won’t allow myself to fall apart in your presence

As I frantically scramble to fill your coffee pot

With attempts at clear skin, the A+, the varsity spot,

and that thing called GIFTED

I realize something, my dear sir

Maybe things would be different if I could love you instead

Sincerely,
You

Now we move to An Open Letter, 2.

Dear sir:

I’m not sorry, I did mean to disturb you so

I believe it was that smirk in your knowing eyes

Or is that just confidence?

You have markings on your face, unusual for one so young

They do not offend, they reveal a skin that has been lived in

Why should they hide themselves behind your shell?

On the surface, age is merely having more stories to tell

I could chop up, spice, and measure your life

But I know there’s more to it than “everything nice"

I am your humble and silently proud servant, sir

At your behest, I allow you an extra hour of rest

Because you deserve to live in a world of dreams

For a little bit longer at least,

Let me tell you,

no lipstick should ever cover your feelings.

Let me tell you,

bronzer will never be as warm as your soul.

Barbie is dead.

Porcelain is cracked.

Foundation is useless.

Your heart flutters, weightless

Your voice flows, fearless

Indeed, what fish skin was is gone.

Because red spots

(I dare say it!) ACNE

is ACCEPTABLE

And I am already beautiful

And so,       

At your behest, I see birds

At your behest, I set them free

At your behest, they fly for one infinity

I do all this because I am proud

I have lived

As I frantically scramble to fill your coffee pot

With grace and wisdom,

and that thing called GIFTED

I realize something, my dear sir

I love you.

Sincerely,

you

Click click click goes the psychiatrist’s pen

Click click click for the last time

CURED.

The world is too bright.

Too dark

Too loud

Too soft

Too busy

Too much.

But it is also too beautiful.

My life is full of birds

My soul is full of love

In the click click click of a pen