Love Is a Fickle Thing...

Dear, Blue Jay.

Burning passion, desire, jealousy, infatuation, love...

These are all things i've you to thank.

honestly this brings me no glee but before you I had no recollection of these horrid but beautiful emotions.

When I gazed into your eyes... those glistening brown orbs of burning passion brighter than any star in the night sky... it hit me all at once.

I knew from that very moment that I needed you in my life, that I needed to do whatever it took to gain your favour.

I guess you could say that it may have been "love" at first sight... Yeah, I had thought that too.

Love is a funny word, those four letters can make or break a person.. Honestly I am still trying to figure out what it did to me.

This girl, this beautiful, funny, kind hearted, amazing girl just came into my life spontaneously... like a flame... 

Somehow, like no one before, she made her way into my heart, made her way into this world of mine, made her way over the wall I had built.

She became so special to me, so near and dear to my heart, she became my best friend above anyone else... it was scary.

Yes, it scared me, I had never felt this way about someone before, I had never let anyone venture this deep into my... my soul.

Yet she succeded, she succeded in it all.  She took everything I was afraid of and made it seem so easy, so natural.

When I was with her, when I was around her, when I thought about her I had nothing to fear, I had all the motivation I would ever need.

She was this small, beautiful, amazing young woman that made me feel so complete.

I sat there through every relationship, through every breakup, through every late night talk because I was willing to wait.

I was willing to wait forever for her.  I felt that if I waited and was just there for her as a friend first... then something more might occur.

It seemed I was right because during our highschool years we became rather close.

The boundaries of a normal friendship seemed to blur and we tettered between friends and well... more than friends.

Her lips were these delicate things... they reminded me carmel candy honestly.

My gut told me to kiss her, heck, she herself had told me to kiss her but I wanted it to be perfect, I wanted to make it this beautiful thing.

So I decided I was going to ask her to the school dance, that I was going to ask her to be my date.  I had it all planned out.

I built up my courage and I asked her to be mine, she declinned and left me for another, my heart had never felt that kind of pain before.

I stayed home that night, all alone, wallowing in my own depression, hiding behind a fake smile, a mask you might say.

A few months had passed, essentially this pain had just continued on.

But alas the two of us were going on a trip together and that entire time we were inseperable.  We were like a couple.

We were so close and so intimate with each other, so much so that I myself forgot that we were not an item...

Foolishly I kissed her, I kissed a taken woman when I knew I shouldn't.  I put her in a postion that forced her to tell her lover.

I caused her a pain and a guilt that couldn't allow her to love me the way that I loved her...

My heart was in pieces when she told me this, she told me that whatever chance there was for us... was gone now.

I loved this girl, I loved her so much.  I had tried to get over her but nothing worked, as long as she was there I just couldn't stop loving her.

So... like an idiot... I pushed her away.  I forced myself to cut her out of my life and for a time it made living life easy.

But recently I look at her from a far and I realize that I miss my bestfriend, that I miss the love of my life.

My Blue Jay... I am so sorry I pushed you away.  I wont ask for your forgivness but I just need you to know...

I'm so sorry and I will always love you.

Forever yours, "Jaybro."