Love Letters

To the first boy who loved me: I'm sorry I didn't love you back. I'm sorry I didn't know that I couldn't. I didn't know that I could be attracted to someone in almost every way Except sexually, Or that my heart could not be untangled from my sexuality.
I didn't know these things about myself at nearly 19 And certainly didn't have the language to explain it to myself, Much less to you. The term demisexual wouldn't be coined for another two years, And it would be a decade before I found it. It took years of self discovery to learn that I was different, That I loved different. I'm sorry you had to be part of that process.
But I'm most sorry for how I handled things When you wanted more than kisses and cuddles, And I didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to tell you that I didn't.
So I blamed our breakup on the crumbling faith I was still trying to hold. An easy out Instead of the truth: That I didn't want you in the same way. That I didn't love you. That I couldn't.
It would have been harsh to say, But at least it would have been true. At least it wouldn't have left you confused When the following year, I lost my heart to another boy And gave him everything I couldn't give you.

To the first woman I knew I wanted to date: I'm sorry I wasn't brave enough to try. I wasn't ready to deal with my attraction to you. The faith I was finally setting aside had taught me to hate Parts of myself I didn't know existed As well as the whole.
I don't even know if you liked me back, And looking back, I can see girls before you Who stirred my heart. But you were the first to make me aware Of the sapphic potential within me.
Maybe I'm apologizing to myself more than you. To the young woman I was, I'm so sorry I listened to the part of me that put fear above hope; That I chose to stuff those feelings as far down as they would go And so long chained away part of my soul.

To the bisexual man who broke my heart: Thank you for being so completely you That you gave me the courage to find me. We may not have felt the same, But with games like "He's hot/she's hot," You taught me to be unashamed.
Being with you brought me to the places Where I would find community, Others like me: Nerdy and queer, Unknowingly autistic, And most important, Unafraid to be authentic. Without you, I might never have found them. If you hadn't broken my heart, I might never have gotten so close to them.
I would most like to thank you For doing the work so we could stay friends. To be there when you did find love and start a family Was a privilege I hold dear.
A psychic once told me -unasked and unpaid- You wouldn't always be part of my life, But that I would be okay. That prophecy has been right several times, As we drift in and out of each other's lives.
This time, I'm glad we reconnected in time For you to see me fall in love With the woman who has become my wife.