My mind tends to focus on the past;

So hard that the present is often blurred, giving reality the chance to once again take its toll on my peace of mind.

Like a violent ocean, my thoughts shake and crash into each other.

I often don’t know what to feel about anything anymore.

And in the center of that ocean, a maelstrom acts as the center point for all the wrong turns

All that could have happened

All I never gave myself the chance to know

 

Why I went down that street that day I will never know

But I know it only worsened something that had been growing inside me

The final rope that suspended my sense of security had been cut.

And thus began the plunge that I am still experiencing today.

And with every day, I fall and I fall closer to rock bottom

And I fear with every fiber of my body what that will be like

 

-

 

People tell me I’m smart and people call me an idiot

I’ve been called funny, only to be called annoying

I’ve been called a natural leader, only to be told that I make bad choices.

So at this point along my timeline I’ve realized that the hot irons people press against my skin,

Those that leave marks and those that leave labels

Eventually lose their sting

And in the end, it is up to me to see who I really am.

 

I am anxiety

I am paranoia

I’m acne and twitching and breakdowns

I’m the idiot who gets up in the middle of the night to check if the front door is locked.

I’m what’s inside.