The Magic of Summer

by Summerain

January 7, 2014

Into me the sun’s warmth will shine,

Stretched upon the plush greenery fine;

Look for me among the thin stalks of grass,

Grain, clover, and dew drops of glass;

Oh, the joy of a midsummer’s day,

All expressed in the bubbling brook’s play.

Overhead lies a land of blue,

White shape shifters near a home called true,

And unnumbered pinpoints of light

Sleep, hidden, to await the night;

Oh, the joy of a halcyon day,

Felt in the sun’s warm, incessant ray.

I scare a rabbit from the brush,

I hear the tree leaves’ quiet hush,

The buzzing bees zip around

The clumsy June bugs’ spiral down;

Oh, the joy of the life in a day,

Shown in the jumping fish’s spray.

Hello, Moon, you’re looking quite pale,

Up where the wind is a rugged gale,

The sun's bitten a piece of you

Sprinkles it for the clouds to spew

Adding some sparkling magic to the day

That will stitch the world’s wide inner fray.

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Comments (3)

QVJan 10, 2014

Thank you for considering my critique, though I believe the more you challenge yourself as a poet, the more you will "hear" the rhythms (I noticed this with your earlier works and your later works). I think the revision was successful, however, I am pondering the last two lines in relation to the entire piece. Correct me if I am wrong, but the last two lines of the fourth stanza continue the pattern in previous stanzas. Since you used the word "stitch" and "fray", I would assume you are calling to mind a "fabric of the world" imagery. The only question I have for you is whether this was really your intention or does "fray" satisfy the rhyme scheme? You could also consider omitting "[t]hat" at the beginning so that the iamb "will STITCH" sounds pleasing and matches the meter in other lines of the same stanza (HELlo, the SUN, SPRINkle etc.). Q.V.

QVJan 10, 2014

"Into me the sun’s warmth will shine,/Stretched upon the plush greenery fine", you have brought summer into the polar vertex of the United States! Another well executed poem, however, I do have a suggestion. While I do not think you are writing in meter (if you are I am not familiar with the style), the use of rhyme is affecting the your last stanza, and the rhythmic energy that flowed in your piece. "The sun has bitten from you a large piece,/She says she sprinkles it in gravity’s crease", the diction sounds forced, "choppy" even. Compare this to the music in the previous stanza, "I scare a rabbit from the bush,/I hear the tree leaves' (correct use of possession) quiet hursh", more bold and "liquid". Overall, a charming poem. Q.V.

SummerainJan 9, 2014

Thank you for reading my poem and thank you especially for your criticism. I tried to follow your suggestion and make the two lines smoother though I'm not sure I succeeded.