To The Man Across The Aisle

To The Man Across The Aisle:

The aisle is entirely too long and too short all at once. 

I can feel all of these foreign eyes crawling over my body

As the twinkling music begins to play.

Their judging glares dragging across my lanky limbs and too-pale complexion

I can practically hear their thoughts

“Why her?” 

But then I look at you standing there

So elegantly at the end of the aisle

In that midnight tux of yours.

I take a step toward you

And for a moment it all fades away. 

Right now, I can’t see the disdain written on your mother’s face

The hatred in your father’s eyes 

We’re no longer approaching our thirties

And I’m no longer wearing this poofy dress

Or gripping my bouquet

Or waltzing towards you at the end of the aisle. 

Right now, we’re seventeen again

Holed up in the back of your truck

Talking about conspiracies or our favorite films or the funniest thing our bio teacher ever said

Anything but the future that’s rapidly approaching. 

Neither one of us will say it

But we know what happens to couples long-distance.

And I’m too young and dreamy-eyed to ever abandon my California dreams to stay in this town with you,

And you’re too in love with the small-town atmosphere to ever move away with me. 

So there we are

Two young kids with so much ahead of them

Holding onto each other for dear life. 

It’s sad, I think to myself, burrowing further into your arms, 

How sometimes loving someone with your entire heart 

Does not stand a chance when life wants to tear the two of you apart.

We’re eighteen now

I’m home for the first time since college began

“You look different,” you say

Taking in my newly-golden skin and beach-waved hair.

I am different, I think, but so are you. 

These six months apart have changed so much about the two of us

From our dreams and our majors 

To my hair color and the scruff suddenly sprouting on your chin.

You feel so far away from me as I look at you across this coffee shop table

Like something I desperately want to feel yet something I cannot reach.

But your lips feel the same when you kiss me in front of my house that night

And your voice is familiarly low when you promise me to wait for me. 

“Please,” you beg

Squeezing my hand so tightly

“Don’t fall in love with anyone else.”

The truth is, I don’t think I ever could. 

Now we’re twenty-three

And our futures are finally here.

New jobs and new apartments,

But the same feeling I’ve been holding onto for five long years. 

I came back to town a few days back

My suitcase in my hand and my heart on my sleeve

And now I’m knocking on your door to tell you that I’d kept my promise

Only to find that you didn’t keep yours. 

She’s a friend of ours from high school

One of those pretty, blonde cheerleader-types

And she’s hanging off your arm like you’ve been hers forever. 

“I’m sorry,” you say after you’ve chased me to my car. 

“I never expected this to happen.”

Neither, in a million years, did I. 

“Can we at least be friends?” you ask. 

“I don’t think so.”

Because how can I even look at the boy 

Who singlehandedly shattered my heart?

Three years have passed and now we’re twenty-six.

You and I stand in your backyard alone

While the rest of the party mills around inside.

It’s hot outside

Hot like that night we spent in the back of your truck

Back when the only girl you ever wanted was me.

My eyes are swimming with tears. 

There’s a ring in your pocket 

I know I’m not the girl who’s supposed to wear it. 

“I know you love her,” I say to you

A last-ditch effort to whisk you away

Choking back sobs

“But I know that you love me, too.

Choose me instead. Just, please

Choose me.”

Suddenly, you fade back into view

It’s the big day.

You’re standing at the end of this aisle 

Only a few steps away.

But no one stood when I made my entrance

And my father is not the man walking me down

And the dress that I’m wearing

It is not a white gown. 

Your guests despise me

For trying to ruin the sweetest couple in the entire town

Cannot believe that your bride was so kind

To let me be a bridesmaid in the very wedding 

I thought would be mine. 

I meet your eyes 

And you’re crying now

As we imagine all the things that we will never be. 

I cannot hold back my tears any longer

Because the girl you chose to marry

It should have been me. 

With all of my love,

The Girl You Didn’t Choose