To The Man Whom I'm Afraid Of Finding

This is why..

I have seen things that my eight-year-old eyes should not have seen

I have been warned by my mother,

that no guy deserves me

My heart is big, my soul is bigger, my mind runs so fast that I cannot catch up

I would'nt be able to understand what love is because I think to much

I am more heartbroken from seeing broken hearted girls hurt by guys than they are

Because I have seen things that my eight-year-old eyes should not have seen

A man should treat a woman with respect, I was told my mother

By my eight-year-old eyes knew that was a lie,

When I crept my curious eyes into the dark hallway of the night to see my parent brutally fighting

It's things like that that have made me put more trust in staying alone than deciding

to trust a man who does not know

Who won't know what it's like to have a mind that runs so fast

Faster than his best record on his universities track team

What if he hurts me?

My eight-year-old eyes felt so belittled by the disorientation of a happy marriage

My eight-year-old self wished to never let man act as if he owned me

My eight-year-old self didn't know that at age 19 I would be left feeling this weak

The once strong girl I was has been brutally damaged by a negatively skewed idea of feeling self-worth when longing for someone perfect

How could I love someone if I don't love myself? How could someone love me if I can't love myself

My eight-year-old eyes felt pain because I felt self-worth wasn't real

I thought it was a term coined by someone arrogant that thought women didn't deserve to mess up

Women didn't deserve to ask where there husband was going late at night?

Women didn't deserve to be happy if they weren't bringing in any income for the family

Someone is going to take my love for granted, they are going to take my heart and gold it hostage from me

My heart won't be able to hurt if it's not in my body right?

My eight-year-old self didn't like seeing my mother's heart taken from granted to the point where the pain was densensitizing

Her heart was so big but her hope was so small

My heart is big, my soul is bigger, my mind runs so fast that I cannot catch up

I shouldn't be thinking this way

Because rum has left me running from the thoughts after waking up in a bed of emptiness next to men who will never love women enough to make them feel full

Have I subliminally been chasing after the men my eight-year-old eyes were so hurt by?

But never wanting to love a man who my eight-year-old eyes were hurt by.