manipulation

sometimes my poetry from letters in my head are so raw

more raw than the cut on your lower back

something that bleeds in you sleep when I try to ride you

dont tell me the word fuck

or I'll be at your place at 2am

don't tell me to fuck 

or I'll find your bestfriend

don't hold me down or I'll scream

I'll tell the world how you bruised me against my will

I will tell them what you did

I will tell you

I will scream your name in my sleep

those terrors

all because of my stupidity to find you at 2am

This fuckin rawness is what eats me alive in my bathtub at 4am

I'm lying there in the ice pretending I'm fine

in reality I'm trying to cleanse my body that I want dead

I want the thoughts of your hands inside me gone

I want to murder my muddy mind

I want to slowly watch you die within your own come

I want to see you fade away in my thoughts 

I wanna see you hang over a river

I wanna see the pain in your eyes

Did you ever think of what you'd cause me

I just wanted one night

one 2am stand

one night

not two

not three

not tied up until you fuck me until I'm raw. 

who thought it was okay to use me until i'm gone mentally

stop screaming that it's my fault.

Did you not put yourself in me?

Did you not hold me down?

Did you not throw me against the wall and say that I am worthless?

Did you not scratch my waist with pieces of your broken mirror from the corner?

Did you not yank my hair until my head went numb?

I'm not saying its your fault.

Because at this time

I believe its mine.

........

.......

........

people don't understand what abuse does to you. They don't understand that it makes you believe it is your problem.

It makes you believe if only...

if only....

if only I didn't show up.

if only I did what he wanted...

if only I said I was sorry....

if only laid there and let him fuck me up.

......

This isn't right. Dont you understand?

Manipulation.

IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT

IT 

IS 

NOT 

YOUR 

FAULT.

I want you to believe me

repeat

repeat

repeat it.

repeat it until you see hope.

Believe that you are worth it

believe that you can get through this

you are not broken

there will be a day where you will stop scratching your skin

there will be a day where you will stop throwing up to get the thought of his come out of your mouth.

there will be a morning where you wake up feeling a little bit better.

Honey.

This is where you find strength. 

It will get better.

You are not the problem.

-art