The Mask I Wear

THE MASK I WEAR IN MY COMMUNITY

BY BONNI ABDURAHMAN

I AM A  GIRL

I AM ALSO MUSLIM

And I wear a hijab

Just like many girls

The hijab I wear is a survival apparatus

Because the girl I was needed a reflection of who she could be so

I pulled out my hammer and my tools and collected my broken pieces

And made myself a hijabi

And she became the mask I wear

To protect me and keep me in line with what ALLAH has in mind for me

The mask I wear projects who I want to be

And hides the person I have been

And who I am is somewhere in between

so the mask I wear is the best version of me

Don’t get me wrong i'm not two faced

I am just protective of the person I have worked so hard to face in the mirror

I have defaced my monster and called her my reflection

And it is not my intention for you to have double vision

But the girl I was need to see the girl I am going to be so I built her a hijabi

You see

I was that girl ...you know that girl

like many girls

that gave her power away

Let a society put value on her value  

While she turned into the ash in their ashtray

WE. Girls.. We let them upgrade us

Tweak us and trim us  

Until we fit in their box and turn into their personal Barbie

One day

I got tired of waking up with an explanation already forming in my mouth

Being  ready for another assault on my crown

Prepare my counter measures in advance

Tired of entertaining their ignorance

I asked myself

When you break a rainbow with a needle what color does it bleed ? ( WHISPER)

Maybe RED like the fury in my eyes when I see haters speak

When a girl has to blink more than twice to defend her identity from their lies

I used these real eyes to realize

The lies that have been fabricated about my people

with people with hollowed minds

Living on borrowed time

So i turned myself into a hijabi

And  I built myself a mask of this person I want to be

Everything they said I couldn’t

Everything was in me

I battled my monster

and the scars made me stronger

So I picked up the pieces

And built myself an armor

That can project my hopes and dreams

Used my blood as glue and my gore as little screws

I pounded affirmations between the little cracks

Until my insecurities cracked

And built myself a mask

The mask I wear synced into my skin and eventually I couldn’t peel it off

The mask I wear became the mask I wore and the mask I wore became me

So technically I made myself a girl

I’ve always wished I could be

And that is a hijabii