Masochist

That must be what I am I fall for the ones that hurt me The ones that are there are the ones that I flee from Everything is just spinning out of my grasp I’m in a forest in the dark with no light There is no sanctuary to run to The ones I love are the ones that I’m fleeing from I need a fortress to hold me and protect me I don’t want a fortress that looks at my physical body I want one that looks deeper One who can appreciate me for me They say they do, they always do My friends are there, but only to an extent Nobody can see all of me There is just too much going on It’s all racing by faster than thought possible Days go by like minutes, weeks like hours The future is fast approaching and I need to hit a speed bump It needs to slow down It doesn’t though, only speeding up Becoming darker and duller I’m losing myself in me I’m scared, vulnerable, and weak Yet everybody else sees me as strong Compliments fly past me like they are nothing Yet the insults tear me to shreds with every hit I don’t want to whine, I feel like I’m whining I feel I should be happy I’m losing others because of my mood Why am I so melancholy? I can’t seem to express myself without guilt They expect me to be happy, I should be happy I’m out of touch with myself I’m the one who hurts myself I can’t let me be happy Love is a harsh word It’s so great on others But the question is will you ever find it yourself? Are those that you see even in love? Is love an unobtainable idea Meant to lure us into this daze Into this darkness approaching void Time will tell, but I’m tired of waiting for time Is love even for me? Relationships seem to make me sick Depression and worry fill me to the brim Is it supposed to be like this? I keep searching for true love to find happiness Am I that reliant on another for happiness? Seems kind of that way to me When I’m not focused on someone I’m searching When I am focused on someone I get this anxiety feeling Yet that one person still haunts my thoughts Why is that? Shouldn’t he be gone? I want him to disappear like he never existed but that’s not happening Even without communication thoughts still present themselves All throughout my head I don’t even know why I barely knew him He hurt me more than I’ve been hurt before Yet he still crawls around my brain like a parasite I’ve been trying to squash him but it fails I just want to see the world clearly again I want to find that one for me That fortress to protect me I’ll make it through the forest Just have to give it time