Maybe Another Day

When I was not with you,

I would lay on my sofa,

And check my phone

Every three minutes.

As if crying everyday were not enough,

I hide my face under the blankets

Because my mom is in the next room

And you don’t want her to know.

You call it love.

I call it an infatuation,

An obsession,

An addiction.

When did “I love you” turn into “I need you?”

When I fell for you, Nicholas Sparks was all I knew of love.

As if The Notebook could have prepared me for the emotions you made me feel.

Like the script on the screen, I fell in love with your words,

But your actions revealed the truth.

You pushed me to my limits

And not in the constructive way

Where you challenged me

To be my best. No

The limits you tested,

Instead of improving me, I felt alone.

Because you heard me say “I love you,”

But you ignored me when I say “no.”

We fell apart when we forgot how to communicate,

When a friendly discussion turned into a dispute

When our every conversation felt like

It might be our last.

I remember how I beam at you every time you tell me you love me,

I remember how fast you make my heart race,

My first love taught me what love is,

My first love taught me what love is not.

Love is a choice you make everyday.

It fills you and consumes you,

It does not belittle or sabotage you,

It is nurturing, not insecure.

I don’t want love leaving me empty inside,

Feeling like

You never cared about me

At all.

I love you?

If you love me,

You wouldn’t make me feel this way.