Maybe you should just try

Maybe you should just try to let them in Try to let them see that you're hurting, that you're hurt by his words. He damaged her beyond repair yet here she is... brOKen.  I'm okay she says, I'm fine seriously. I promise you that I'm over him, I'm over it all.  Yet she was lying to those around her, lying to herself. Lying was her art, her mask, her way of self-persuasion and self-preservation to not allow others to hurt her ever again. Yet here she is... brOKen.  She wanted to tear out her lungs, expel all of her air from outside of her lungs but she had to stay quiet. The way he looked at her when he saw her as he was holding hands with the other girl was heartbreaking, heartwrenching even. Yet here she is... brOKen.  No amount of physical pain could ever compare to the one she felt when he left her. As he walked away from her each step her heart got heavier and heavier until it shattered. Her heart broke as if that was all her heart knew what to do. She LOVED him with all her heart, with all her being yet there she goes. Watching him walk away from her. No fighting, no more pain. Least that's what she hoped for. He tore her up mentally and emotionally to the point where she was scared to tell anyone what she was doing to herself. Scared to even tell her parents the truth. As she approached them with the news she said, "I am brOKen."  They consoled her for at most two days then the destruction came back hitting her where she least expected it. Her heart felt like it was torn out of her body and drained of blood, drained of life, drained of purpose. The lies reappeared daily.  Told her things like: "You're OK" When she really wasn't "He is the One. Hold onto Him." When he wasn't, LET HIM GO! "You're ugly and fat." When really she was skinny and losing weight in an unhealthy way and acne does NOT define her. "What the hell did I do to deserve all of this?" This is what stumped her. She began to realize that after all these months, all of the lies she was telling herself that they were not true, that life has more to offer than all this sadness and pain. She kept to herself during those months and got a job, she began to prosper in all aspects of her life. Running became her outlet again. Running allowed for new and better connections to be formed. Running allowed for true, meaningful and loving friends to come into her life. Yet running became a rough sport as her father would doubt her. Critique her on all the things she could have done better. But she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and disregarded her father's remarks. The later chorus became her outlet of new friends, her outlet of her pain and emotions in a healthy way. Music became a stronger hobby as did running.  Her hobbies plus a job allowed her to get back on her feet. For the lies to twist and turn into a different reality.  The lies went from: "You're OK" to "You are amazing!" "He is the One. Hold onto them." to "He isn't the One. God has one for you, let him go." "You're ugly and fat." to "You're beautiful and capable of anything you put your mind to. You've just got to trust yourself, and trust God."  "What the hell did I do to deserve this?" to "Everything happens for a reason, Just trust God." Religion became her way to cope and deal with the hardships.  And this girl? She is me.  I push those close to me away when I am dealing with hardships because I lack trust due to him. But I know not everyone is like him. Not everyone will not support and console me like my parents. But peace soon washed over her as she became self-sufficient. I worked hard every day by going to school, practice then work to ensure her future would be as successful as it could be. I even won some scholarships to help lessen the burden of college debt. I received academic, athletic, and an outside scholarship. I only have to pay a few thousand less than half for college now.  I knew I was an adult when I picked myself up from rock bottom, shed a layer of toxicity from myself and became a new and improved me. As painful and torturous as this was for me, I know reflecting back that this was something God had in store for me in order to make me grow. Not only grow as a person but mentally, physically and emotionally. I wouldn't have this any other way. 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

brittany_ream

I'm not sure as to why my format did not post correctly but it was not supposed to all one poem 

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