This is me

  I go on everyday thinking imma be okay. But really I am always putting myself down for things that don’t make any sense. A lot of people don’t help. Every other day, or everyday I always end up getting tears in my eyes. But asking myself why? Why am I letting anything get to me when it’s just all fucking stupid shit anyway. U wanna be happy than be happy. I can’t take this anymore, I’m trying my best to be a better person for everyone, but giving up is always an option. I’m throwing myself out there working my asss off to pay bills and get things I need. Not necessarily wants because I don’t have enough money for any of that. I have Broken down so many times that I think to myself why care, why do all the things I do. But then again there’s always hope that the future is gonna be a lot better. I’m trying to collect myself together on life, something always gets thrown at me. I don’t wanna play games. I don’t want to play anyone’s games. Not even my own!  I’m always the blame. My heart's torn apart that’s can only take me so far in life. I’m not being selfish, I’m not being the perfect person, because I am not. But I am trying the best I can to do whatever it takes to make my life better. My anxiety acts up non stop, it breaks me down to a million pieces to were I don’t know what to say or think. I’m tired, I’m tired of these push and pulls. I shake til I can’t stop for the longest times. My body’s always weak. Stomach twisting and turning, head rattling in pain. My mistakes are my mistakes. I wanna be better that’s something everyone should seee… I don’t understand myself why I get mad easily or irritated at a lot. I have been through so much in the past that I am scared to move in in life thinking there’s only one part. Am I crazy? To think the things I, do maybe. But maybe people should think before they do or say something. I just started to get comfortable to where I thought I would have nothing to worry about. There’s sweat in the palms of my hands keeping myself from breaking down anymore than what I have already. I get told that I will be alright.. day and night. So I don’t have to worry about anything.. I know that gods by my side thou cause I am still here. I am moving on up in life, trying to think positive and always be motivated. I understand I am not here to please everyone, but doing what I do, I think I deserve some credit. Got family that treat me like shit, got people that i new that were my friends but they all turn there backs on me and putting the the blame on me. Like that is really worth the fight. I blame myself already why keep pushing it towards me like I don’t know anything. I am stupid I know.. don’t have to tell me twice not even alone once… I am trying to get lifted up.. I’m trying the best I can to create a future nobody else has plan to have.. why can’t everyone just be happy for me!? I don’t understand why I always feel so Broken in the inside that it damages my bones in my body. I can feel it everyday in my life… standing up for yourself isn’t alway the best either, most of the time it creates more problems than what could have been. Bringing myself together little by little, the things I do, may not always be the best, but in life there’s called improvement. I understand that I can control what others say or do, just towards myself. But does that give anybody the right to try to control me. I’m writing this now because I can’t keep holding everything in, I heard it’s bad for you. A lot of things are bad for you. Why can’t there be more good than bad.!? Please let me break this nonsense.. we’re I am at I am happy, until something’s comes in and fucks it up. I am a big disappointment. My words mean nothing, but my actions do. Trying to have so much in life is such a pain, it hurts inside.