I am 16, nearing the end of the 2nd cycle of my Junior year.
I have become less sad, less heartbroken, less longing.
There are more days of where I’m satisfied with my life.
I have come to adore some celebrities.
I have become normal, relatively.
But the depression continues to linger.
It’s not as raging and emotional as it used to be with the want of death caught up in my throat.
But it’s there.
It’s now a quiet emptiness that has become more and more frequent than before.
One moment I feel happy.
The next, I feel blank inside.
It’s feels a bit akin to a hole in my chest.
It’s almost as if I’m missing something.
I’m missing an emotion that I’m supposed to be feeling.
I’m missing a part of myself that’s supposed to be there.
The remaining emotions that I feel as of a result varies from time to time.
Rarely, the feeling of sorrow piles up.
Endless wishes come forth.
“I wish I could stop feeling like this so often.”
“I wish that I could fix the obvious reason of why I’m depressed so often.”
Many times, it’s apathy.
I acknowledge it but just as blankly as I can feel it as.
It’s like I’m looking back at myself in a mirror and I can acknowledge the depression.
But it’s not me because the diagnosis is so abstract and almost like an errant thought.
“It feels blank. I think I’m feeling depressed again.”
And I sit in my desk seat, unwilling to do anything properly for a long while.
I read without processing.
I work without computing.
I write without making sense.
Motivation is nonexistent and continues to be nonexistent throughout my days.
Sometimes I just want to disappear.
I am listless and unmotivated.
I constantly feel exhausted for no apparent reason.
I know I’m teetering over the edge into insomnia.
I feel useless and lost in my path.
Where was my original destination?
It used to be a career but now it’s become general hope,
a prayer to some being above.
I want to be happy.
I want to feel fulfilled.
I want to fall in love.
I want to get married.
I want to have kids.
I want to grow old and still continue to be happy.
I want to have experienced the world.
Please, just let me have this.
This feeling of limbo, being stuck in between wanting to live and wanting to die--
I’m so torn.
I have all my wishes and hopes.
But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m going to be able to make it that far.