Why am I grieving over someone who made my life such a hell for the last five years?
I feel like a hypocrite and I hate it.
I've hated every moment I spent crying over the thought of you no longer walking this earth, no longer having the ability to harass me and tell me lies with every breath you take, like you actually meant it when you said you loved me and still cared.
You didn’t care. You never cared. And if you actually did it doesn’t matter now because you lost your chance to prove it to me.
I hope you can rest easy knowing how much I hurt because of you.
I keep trying to comfort myself, telling myself that you did love me and you did care, but when I have so many other people filling my head with lies I know I mustn’t lie to myself or I will lose myself beneath false words and feelings.
I know I mustn’t lie to myself because I am the only one who know the truth, and if I lie to myself then what am I left with?
I am left standing over your casket, looking at the man who once meant everything to me. I am left looking down at you face, well not actually your face, at least not the one I remember from the good days of my childhood. I guess a lot changes when you haven’t seen a person for five years.
You’re not the only one who has changed.
I’ve changed too.
While you were going about your everyday life my life was falling apart. While you were surrounded by people who loved you I began to question who really loved me and ended up not being able to believe anyone who said they did. While you were fast asleep, probably deep in some dream, I was lying in bed with toxic thoughts in my head and tears soaking through my pillow.
So why am I grieving over someone who made my life such a hell for the last four years?
I am not grieving for you.
I am grieving for myself. For everything that I’ve lost since the day you heart stopped playing its beat and your last breath escaped through your lips. I am grieving for the 5 year old girl who adored her Grampa, because those memories live on in the back of my mind and in a corner of my heart that is still dedicated to you and always will be. I am grieving for all the time I lost with you before your heart went cold and your blood even colder.
I am grieving knowing that I will never get that time back. I will never feel your warm embrace again or see your smile that I loved so much, your smile that you used to have on your face every time you looked at me. I am just glad I got to see that smile one last time when I visited before I moved to college and I told you I was going to be a biomedical engineer. But of course you always knew that, you knew I was going to be an engineer since the day words started to flow from my mouth and I had enough control of my body and mind to start taking things apart.
I am grieving knowing that I was not a part of your life for these past five years. But at the same time I am questioning why I would even want to be. Why would I want to be part of someone’s life after they stripped me of love, hope, and confidence, when they chose one granddaughter over another, when they called just to tell me lies and make cry for days on end?
Yet for how much I didn’t want to be part of your life I was part of your death, standing over your foreign body, crying for days on end, trying to make my peace and say goodbye to the man who once meant everything to me.
Call me selfish if you so choose but I am grieving for myself, not for you.