Me, myself.

What am I? What kind of person am I?

I can't remember my childhood

For as long as I've known myself

I've known that I don't know myself

I don't remember ever not being aware that I change,

But then again at that point I doubt I was old enough to talk.

When you're trying to mature so quickly

After years and years of nothing being expected of you

It feels like trying to crawl up the steepest hill

You have blinders on, you can't look back

You'll be left behind

You'll be stuck

I might've been friendly, maybe rude

I remember crying when my sister left for college

I remember crying after my friends left me behind

I remember crying when my boyfriend told me he couldn't handle depression anymore

When he told me it was my fault I couldn't help

I remember my nose wouldn't stop bleeding

I remember not crying when my grandmother died

It's odd how tears are so easily etched into our memories

But only brief flashes remain

Not so much of happiness, but of things like

Comfort

Safety

Intimacy

But so often these feelings are replaced as my mind genuinely struggles to keep these

Comfortable thoughts

It's as if a war is always waging inside of my heart between myself and myself

Between self-loathing and self-love,

Between justification and guilt,

Between an inability to trust, and a need for companionship

I am a contradiction, I am a conversation

I am a bleeding heart, too quick to accept

In this moment I'm undefinable, but ultimately human

I'm me, I suppose.

If that's even an answer.

If anything, I'm confused.

Frusturated.

Myself.