A Memory I Can't Erase

I’ve been thinking a lot About the shit in my life About how I didn’t listen That one horrible night How I couldn’t function The very next day How I was in confusion How it still hasn’t gone away How my parents yelled How they cried and they feared How I couldn’t tell them Anything without tears How I was invaded And how I was hurt How long I’ve spent waiting For things to go back to how they were How I had to stay strong For everybody else How I was the most damaged How I needed the most help How everyone pitied me How everyone cried How everyone had sympathy And I still can’t understand why How in the morning When I was awoken I had no idea where I was Or how badly I was broken How when I called my dad And told him what I did I cried and felt ashamed Because I lied and betrayed him How he was just so hurt How he was so confused How he looked at me How he didn’t know what to do How we walked into the hospital How he told them that I was raped How they sent me to the emergency room And we were told to wait How I got examined How I cried the entire time How they told me there was tearing How I couldn’t believe the crime How I never could remember Not even little bits How much it kills me to not know Or remember any of it How I haven’t recovered How I struggle to live How I can’t do anything Without being reminded of this How pathetic I am For never moving on For not looking past this For not being strong How I can’t fucking deal with this! THIS IS SO HARD FOR ME! How the fuck am I supposed to do this? When will I be free? How this is all my fault How I’m the only one to blame How my best friend didn’t care How she left me out of shame How this keeps coming up How I try to push it away How I can never cut enough To deal with all this pain I’m a fucking mess Everything is shit And the best part of this whole entire thing Is that I am to blame for it.