a mental mess

one of not understanding

twisted words of thinking pour out your lungs on top of your throat and through your tongue.

II'm a little disgusted.

here is where I turn when life fails me

how does that work then

they say we are not failures

but life has failed us?

life is earth and it changes with the seasons.

We change because of emotions that run through our mind.

Something occurs then happens to change the desire in our mind.

 

I'm not on overthinking Im under it all

I'm catching pills and feeling them slide and get caught in the back of my throat

my hands shake as I down the bottle

I'm misunderstood

terror is in my eyes.

I cant stop screaming and hiding and losing myself

I'm losing myself but the world says I'm finding it

we all are in a loop of misunderstanding and figuring out broken pieces of wood cannot reconnect. If you try to melt them together it only burns.

what

what if 

what if I went back

I stirred that entire fucking pot.

I didn't mess with my own head.

I didn't make up dumb scenarios.

we would've been okay

we would've figured it out.

But of course.

of course it was me. the mess.

the one that ruined it all.

I'm here listening to my thoughts and actions and reviewing everything in my head.

I took my meds so I would forget about you but tonight isn't working.

what we had was so beautiful

chasing the dust is what it feels like

I  cant breath or see you anymore but i know youre out there

I'm lost without words

Im so lost

I don't even recognize myself anymore. this is so sad. I do not recognize myself anymore.

I cannot breathe.

I'm hyperventalating in the backseat of a car.

his hands on my waist shoving me down and....

my mind is blank i want it to stop

 

 

crossing the gaurds

im gonna puke

Im in flashback mode

everything.

everything as it is hits me all at once.

your hands in my hair kissing my body

you told me how much you loved me.

I'm so stupid.

I don't deserve to be loved.  Im just that person that kills themselves over and over then gets mad at the world.

I don't understand half the things that are happening.

 

Fuck.

 

now im listening to a song you like and here is another chance of what could be

 

again

 

I wasn't enough

 

 

again 

 

I wasn't enough

 

again

 

I wasn't enough

 

again

 

 

I wasn't enough.

 

 

 

do you understand yet? 

I cant hide from myself but others can.  

I would say do me a favor and take me away but its only a burden.

they have the pleasure and ability to leave and run away from me.

I wish I could do that.

I've tried.

Myself, I, am distructive to me. 

I cannot spell the pain of living inside someone that disgusts your own mind

 

Its called being gross. gross. I hate myself.

that is what it is. 

I hate myself.

Truth and i cant bring it up without unscabbing your wounds you've tried so hard to hide behind.