Mentally Abused
Somehow I always end up at this road
I just keep driving
I drive until my soul starts to fold
Every time you leave my body is shivering
It gets colder than cold
And I know it’s not right
But I need to be held in your arms tonight
I promise I won’t call you after this
I just need you one last time
I just wanna get lost in your touch
And I don’t wanna look back
I know you’ll leave after this
But I just can’t seem to pack
All the bags that I’ve opened
I just can’t seem to close them
My clothes is my heart all over the floor
And I just can’t seem to fold them
I don’t want to fold them to put them in a bag
Just to lock it all up
Just to take it all back
Because if you ask me for honesty
Honestly I don’t wanna leave
You’re the only thing I know anymore
And I just don’t wanna go anymore
I don’t wanna go to get lost
Not if it’s not in your arms
Because baby I loved you like you loved me
But I didn’t stop
Not even for one second,
I promise I never pretended
I love you like a movie
But the movie never ended
Because I knew in my heart
That I would love you forever
Because baby how can I leave
When telling myself to leave you
Is the same thing as not breathing?
I breathe through your smile
Without it I know nothing
I didn’t need all the answers
I just wanted your loving
But you made me feel so small
You made me feel like I was nothing
I was on top of the world
But now I keep falling
Falling for your words
And sometimes it bruises me
Just because you can’t see my scars
Doesn’t mean it’s not hurting me
I used to look into your eyes
And I would see my life as complete
But now whenever I look
I don’t look to deep
Because now im just afraid
I used to want to stay
Just to stay just to gaze
But you wouldn’t let me
You just kept pushing me away
You’d say you loved me
But it just didn’t sound the same
It didn’t sound like the first time
It didn’t sound like you were scared
Scared of losing me
If anything you sounded prepared
Prepared to erase me
Better yet replace me
I threatened to leave you
because I thought you wouldn’t dare
I guess the joke was on me
It seemed as if you didn’t even care
You said okay like it was actually okay
But baby after that day
Nothing seemed okay
I just wanna know why I can’t look into your eyes
I can’t even see you when I look into your eyes
It’s like you’ve put on this disguise
Its like you're trying to hide
It’s like you’ve gone away
But I feel like you won’t return
And even if you did
I knew it wouldn't be a lesson learned
It would be the same story over and over again
Until the tables start to turn
I just cant help but wonder
Maybe I wasn’t worth the pain
Maybe I wasn’t worth those sleepless nights
Maybe you didn’t wanna walk through the rain
Maybe I wasn’t worth the fight
But baby to me you were worth every dime
Sometimes I'd just sit by my window
And watch time just pass me by
I’d sit by the window
And see tears rolling down my cheeks
I’d tell myself you didn’t mean it
When you said all those hurtful things
But then I’d ask myself questions like
What if this is the real me?
Maybe you were right all those times
I would just start to believe
Maybe you were trying to put me in my place
And maybe that place is where I belonged
Sometimes I’d say you were wrong
But then I'd wonder what if you’re really not
You called me so many names
Said I brought you shame
But I guess you’re not to blame
I’ve convinced myself that I’m that girl
I’m that girl you’ve labeled me to be
Because you must be right
Because how can you not know everything
Maybe because when you were listening you weren’t really listening
You were taking notes, but you’d skip certain things
And I remember how you’d say it hurts to see my cry
So I began to bottle up my tears
I'd smile on our dates as if I could smile for years
I’d hide my sorrows until you disappeared
I’d tell myself that it’s not you it’s me
Because how could it have been you
To me you were perfect
Meanwhile I needed to put some work in
But I did it for you
Because I thought you deserved it
I gave it another try after another try
Even after all those long nights
Because to me baby…
You were always worth the fight