The Mercurial Me

The question lingers—teasing in its simplicity.

Superficially it’s beyond easy.

With generic answers that make me only one of a million:

Girl (occasionally woman), 19-going-on-20, microbiology major, and wannabe doctor.

Proud shower singing, salsa dancing, dog loving, curious, outdoor enthusiast.

Procrastinating, sometimes silly, adventurous, piano playing, older sister.

But I’m unimpressed­ with these scattered answers,

So I look to my past for more.

Certain memories stand out, focal points in the sea of years past:

Painting at my mother’s side, s’mores with dad, building snowmen, and family movie nights.

A father who climbed mountains with me on his shoulders;

Just so I could see the unimaginable beauty of our world.

But who wrestled with demons in bottles and pills that made him

Reckless and angry with everyone and especially himself.

The occasional turmoil of weekly arguments,

Filled with screaming that we pretended not to hear.

And that single, treacherous car ride with a man who looked like my father,

But was really a demon in disguise,

Full of swerving and close calls, with my brother in the backseat

Five years too young to realize that anything was wrong.

At the same time a mother with the grit and willpower

To single-handedly hold our family together for thirteen years—

Long enough for my father to find enough solace in exercise and support groups

To drive his demons away for good, and heal the growing rift in our home.

I can only hope that their tenacity and strength are traits

That I can claim to have learned and defined myself with,

But the one thing I know is that who I hope to be and who I am

Are sometimes very different people.

And I often wonder if the person I am is changing with every second

That ticks by on the clock I stare at through hours of long lectures,

Like the slow inching of the Earth’s crust below us

That inevitably leads to great, rumbling earthquakes,

Sometimes reshaping the very face of our planet.

The ideas and sights and sounds and feelings

That I encounter on a daily basis are the

Forces that nudge my being just a little further in some direction

That I cannot always see

Who am I?

Perhaps I just think too much,

But then again maybe my identity is like the Earth’s surface,

And its ever-morphing nature is why

I can never fully answer this question.