Metamorphosis

I’ll never forget what you told me when I was in the hospital. You said the next time I try to kill myself, I need to make sure I go though with it. That’s the moment I knew how much of an effect the flap of a butterfly could have. Mom, I’ve always been the silent type never expressing how I feel in this family. Trying my best to fit inside your perfect cocoon, closed in, too afraid look outside. You’re the reason why I hate myself. I don’t even know the last time you asked how I was doing. You’re too busy searching through my love letters. That day you found out about my girlfriend you judged me so quickly. without giving me enough time to morph, into a young woman could be proud of. You say that you want the best for me wanting me to abandon baggy jeans and fitted wings. Telling me how one I day I’ll grow into something beautiful but for now I’m still in my larvae stages So, you leave me in the car when we go places. I just want to be seen But I’ve been force to crawl under you. Slipping into slouched positions Sitting legs as open as I wish you would be to loving me. I can tell I embarrass you. We haven’t been to church in months You say God is disappointed in me I wonder how God looks at you. My colorless appeal leaves me invisible to your eyes It kills me to know, no matter how I try You will never accept I am not that delicate butterfly that you want to hold still trapped inside my pupa waiting for a transformation. I can’t shed this You keep saying you don’t know what happened to that little girl who you use to love. Lilly pigtails, accented smiles, and Painted Lady sundresses we’re never me. I have been off your “right path” for years Yet you keep turning on lights thinking I will fly into them burn In the hell unblessed abominations are destined for My wings are tattered because the reckless nets of abandonment you attempted to seize me with I try to stay calm and peaceable But your I Love You’s Sound the same as your you disgust me’s I barely have any respect for you anymore. my swollen heart no longer has room for you Its too full of the shame and hate you fed me your threatening looks How embarrassed you must feel to see the moth you created Which wont measure to the Monarch that should’ve floated in your palm Although I always wanted to fly the weight of this world kept me landed slowly crawling, finding my own path because being grounded is better than flying with false dreams Living without you Leaning on my own safety using my many my talented wings to block the current of your negative energy I’ve found that not everyone is like you. The imperfections you can’t stand to see others are amaze by because Even if I never learn how flutter as graceful as you There are people who embrace the preying mantis, the centipides, and even your daughter I will still then love myself