Metanoia

Your name was branded into my heart,
Incised into every inch of my flesh,
Woven into all the veins I possess,
Fusing with the blood coursing through my entire body...
My entire soul.
'Twas long, long ago,
Even before you and I
Could utter those three words,
When our souls were linked together
And a tiny thread formed
That had intertwined our fates,
Supposedly all meant for the better.

At least that's what you told me.

I could not deny that it felt like we had a magnetic attraction,
But instead of having a natural pull,
You used this supposed magnetic field
To gain control of me.
You lured and baited me with
The one thing I craved the most: Love.
With every step I took towards you,
With you,
You fed me your pretty little lies
Telling me that I was your everything.
You gave me your disingenuous I love you's,
Claiming that you meant it with all of your heart and soul.
You brainwashed me into believing that
You were my once upon a time and my happy ending.
I was so infatuated with you
That I placed my heart in your hands
Trusting that you'd protect it with your life.
But instead,
You brandished your name and your "love"
To remind me that I was 
To be forever bound to you.
A reminder that I was merely your prisoner
Contained within a large cell
That you named The World.
You bewitched me
So that you could tug at my heartstrings
And control me whenever you found it most convenient.
I was utterly helpless and lost
To the point where I had forgotten
What it felt like be free from the weight of love.
I cried out to you
Asking what you were doing this
And what I did to deserve it.
You said but four words,
"Because I love you."

Our Fates brought us together,
But had I known who Fate was,
I would've used every breath,
Every damn breath
To go beyond the vast seas,
To go beneath the flames of the horizons,
To go up, up and away into the distant galaxies,
And to never, ever look back at
The naive girl I once had been.
Throughout my whole life,
I thought that if I found someone
Who would love me for all that I am,
The emptiness in my heart would be filled.
I was so desperate to feel whole 
That I was willing to endure all of the abuse and deceit.
I had been so afraid that I couldn't live without you,
That I continued to stay trapped forevermore
As a useless pawn on your chessboard.
I just wanted to feel loved,
To be loved,
To feel wanted,
To be wanted,
And you made me feel that way...
You did.
But I know now that it was all a lie,
For you never cared about me,
At least not the same way I did, you.

Reading novels after novels,
I fell in love with the dream of a happy ending.
I longed to meet my Happily Ever After,
To find my Prince Charming,
And to find this fantasy love that's timeless as eternity.
Looking back at it now,
That was nothing but a facade of 
The truth I could never bring myself to seek out.
What I wanted,
What I truly wanted
Was to forge my own Destiny with bricks and stone
Made from my bare hands and torn up soul.
A path happily formed
With a broken back and damaged limbs,
So that I could finally harbor love for my own-self
Above all else.
That had been the lost key to my heart.
It was never you.

Your name may have been branded into my heart,
Incised into every inch of my flesh,
Woven into all the veins I possess,
Fused with the blood coursing through my entire body...
My entire soul.
But that does not mean I cannot
Tear out your name 
And obliterate it into nothingness.
That does not mean I cannot
Replace your name with my own,
Because you are not Fate, 
Nor are you Destiny.
You are merely a shadow
That I have learned to vanquish
With the light that shines from the heavens above.

You can come running to me,
You can come begging on your knees,
You can come praying for forgiveness,
You can cry your heart out to me,
You can wail your meaningless I love you's,
You can do whatever it is you please,
But dear,
Know that I tore apart that thread that had once
Linked us together
With a single pink finger
Long, long ago.
You may have said we were meant to be together, forever,
But to that,
I said never.
You may have thought you were clever,
But can't you see that I endeavored?
There is no such thing as "You and I"
And there is most definitely no such thing as "Us."
To me,
You're simply Past,
Not present,
And most certainly not Future.
To me,
You're just somebody that I used to know.

---

We believe what we're told,
And trust the words of those
Who strive to take away our hope.
Those who strip us down to the ground
Leaving us bare, raw, and vulnerable.
Those who seek to use us for 
Their own selfish little games,
With their lust to control
Anyone who they deem as weak and frail.
Those who have a desire to become omnipotent,
And knock down anybody and everybody
Who stands in their way
To the point where the brave no longer
Have the courage to carry on.
They claim they love you,
And for that sole reason,
You believe that all the abuse and deceit
Are nothing but a figment of your imagination.
You make up excuses for them
And remain by their side
Because you fear that without them,
You are nothing.
But Darling,
You're already everything,
Just like you always have been.
Take a good look at your heart.
You will see that it is indeed whole,
Not tattered nor broken,
Not brusied nor scarred.
Open your eyes and yours alone,
And you will see the beauty that is yourself.
Stop looking elsewhere to find the missing pieces.
The answer has always been
Right inside of you.
Sometimes,
You simply need to open your heart to yourself,
And know that you are your own dearly beloved.
To know that are your own Fate and Destiny.
It is you,
And you alone,
Who hold the fire and the flames
To forge your own path.

When the right person comes along,
Trust yourself and your judgement.
Know that your significant other
Is meant to support you,
Not belittle,
Nor control you.
They'll love you like no other
And there will never be a doubt about it.
They'll be the one holding your hand
Down the road to self-love,
Just as you will be,
For them.

Love
Strengthens.
It.
Does.
Not.
Weaken.
Don't ever forget that,
My dear.