Midnight Madness

It feels like the sky is falling, every breath is shaking and your eyes keep blurring over with tears you didn't know were coming. Your heart beats out of time and you can't stop your hands from shaking. Another drink will help, you try to reason with yourself. With a cigarette held between shaking fingers you struggle to breathe through trembling lips. The sobs shake your whole body and you can't remember a time when it didn't hurt this bad, When it didn't hurt at all. You don't know why you get this way or how it got so bad that your mind won't stop racing long enough to have a simple cigarette. Why you can't just let go of the knife you're pressing into your chest everytime you think about going back to someone who is shamelessly breaking you down with every word? When did you let it get this bad? When did the intrusive thoughts you used to block out with music and movies and books and drawing fight through your defenses? When did mommy and daddy's pride and joy grow from a beautiful hopeful baby into a mess who starts crumbling at her own reflection? When did you start telling yourself that they deserve better? When did you start convincing yourself that the only purpose you have for keeping yourself alive is that you owe it as an apology for the damage you cause to everyone and everything around you? When does it stop hurting?