Mind of Love?

What makes a couple, a true couple? The love to blossom in one’s heart is frightening. I ask myself every day, “What is the meaning of love? What is this true-love I hear?” The definition of love is certainly an enigma. I know in assurance that love is more than coitus. I know for certain that it’s something that can’t be determined, it just happens. I ask myself if this love: grows, takes time, or is inevitable. But, this man… this man is different. I wish I can what’s going in my mind to him, but when I try, it turns out different, the opposite of what I desire. This man is my first and because of that, I’m afraid. Afraid that if he leaves, I will find someone and regret I didn’t save it for him. But if the Man stays… it’s a change in a story.

               My first… my virginity… I have a feeling of regret when my promise was shattered. I desire to save it until I reach holy matrimony. Everything changed when the Man became a part of my life. He is certainly a mystery. I become to understand him more-and- more as time pass-by. I’ve somehow grown to like his company, but at the same time, I don’t like the thought of it.  “Heh, he does know how to make my life interesting.”  I know that I can rely on him if I have any troubles. He truly is sweet; enough to say that I don’t regret my decision. 

               The Man keeps my attention. There are many things I like of his quality: his smile, those eyes, that wild- hair, his intellect, the humor, and over-all the type of person he is. He has good qualities, but of course, bad… however, it’s not like it bothers me, I don’t know, it has a kind of cuteness to it. It’s strange to think it that way. I always push myself away from that. I’m afraid to accidentally grow attach to someone. I’m afraid to get hurt, but at the same time, there are many things I want to say. My mind that screams to tell my true-feelings of this Man. I want to tell him… “There’s something about you I like and I want it to grow, more and more, every day. I get these sensations and would be upset if ever I lose you- and I wouldn’t mind at all if it could last forever. I want to see ‘us’ through.” However, I could never gather the courage to say that to his face. Maybe this is the “love” I’m feeling. Is it like this? I don’t want to be wrong, so I’ll say, no! I don’t want to because it’s such a scary thought. For one thing, what if he doesn’t feel that way that I’m feeling?

               I ask myself, “What does this Man see of me? What does he thinks of me?” It would relieve me that my feelings towards him are mutual. A relief that he finds me interesting that he would like to see “us” through. There are times I would like to hear the words out of his mouth of what I would think inside my heart. It’s weird. Maybe I’m over-thinking it. Maybe I’m just being absurd. Maybe I’m still too young to even comprehend what kind of relationship we have. Yet, many people have told us and watched us, stating that, “I can see that there’s something about you too.” Or “You guys are too adorable. I can see the love between you too.” Is it self-evident enough to say that? Is it enough to say it is proof or foreshadow of our lives? The answer will only show through time. The Man, I want to read his thoughts. I do not doubt myself; honestly, it’s a curiosity among the human intellect. I want to know.

               We certainly have our moments as well. To say that it’s not a perfect relationship, but good enough. The Man would get mad as well as I. However, somehow, in some way, it’s temporary to the point a smile would creep. The denial to face the facts, that to stay angry is second to impossible. It makes me laugh and almost a little angry just by the thought. It’s ludicrous to think such a thing is possible. Without a doubt, I like this Man very much, but love? It’s not something I want to admit, at least… out loud.