MindRiver II (Hello & Goodbye)

I'm really very good at hello's. They're so easy. Near effortless, and everyone's happy. Goodbye's... well, they're different. They ache. They're empty. They stab you in the gut. I can never say goodbye. Something gets destroyed, And I try Until I am beaten to the ground, And I won't open my mouth. You can fade slowly from my life. I'll never say goodbye. I never want to, Yet it always happens. I am the inferior; I acknowledge this. I will always be the second choice, The backup plan, And God knows what else. Home is chaos. School is torture. Trying to have friends is a never-ending comedy of a disaster, But everyone's laughing at only me, so it's okay. I will get so upset I'm sick- I KNOW I'm not nothing, I'm not delusional. It's so hard to you want to be a role model When you don't want anyone having your life. The only safe way to speak is with pencil and paper; You'll never have to say goodbye. I speak; I am interrupted. Every expression of love turns to lie. I try to heal, Or even understand myself, And I'm destroyed in the process. Scream at me! Bruise me! I can only feel pain anymore. It's normal. I deserve it, I must. Everything, everyone is an unsolvable argument. Time barely can touch, much less heal. My age and gender make me disgusting- As well as my attitude, my grades, and truly everything else. You want to add to the list? Feel free. Hello? Can you help me? Everyone who say yes says "goodbye" Right after they say I can trust them. Everyone says they'll never leave. I'm trying to figure out when my optimism Turned into this, This mind-crushing, jaded realism. I cannot say goodbye to life, Merely hello to a living hell.