Missing?

My father yells. I play and listen. My mother cries. Same... Leave me alone. My ears fall with my love, My heart fills with hate- No, not hate but nothingness instead. Times up. Yelling, screaming. I can't hear over the glass shattering. I want to get away, I want to hide, and I want to run but I stay. We all stay. I do not cry, I yell... I'm scared. I think about when I'm older. I think of all the father/daughter dances and dinners.... But time dies. But hate builds. But tears fall. And my heart breaks. I wish I had a father that was there. Broken... But yet I tried. Over and over again. Why did my dad hate me? Was it me? And what about my older sister? Why did he love her more? I missed the good days when he did love me. The days we both smiled and laughed together. But those days are gone. Like him. He hates me. I dislike him. I stayed strong but not for long. I cried. I hate crying. But he laughs and makes fun of me. I'm too weak. I stand up because I can't let him win. He tries to knock me down again and again. When will the pain stop? When can I have a real dad? No, a REAL father. Why? I don’t know where he is... Somewhere... Nowhere... Nothing. Just silence. Never called to see how I was doing. Never cared about me. Never wants to be with me. Always wants to yell at me. Always wants to prove me wrong. Always hated how I was different. The hurt stays forever Tears become loud Time will never heal Its been 6 months No talking or calling or laughing My dad has another daughter... She is more important, more beautiful, more... Not me..... He hates me for me He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He loves to hate me He loves to see me cry He loves to see me fail Sometimes I think about my father Wishing we can go back to the old days Me being so young, I always cried Because he wasn’t nice to me He stopped being my father. We packed up, left him, and moved on But he stayed to maintain his power over me and my mother Is it okay to hate the man who broke your soul before any other man could? They tell me that he’s my father. My only father... I’m so weak and tired I gave my all to my father I pushed to make him happy… To make him proud… To make him love me as his daughter again…. But I failed I failed at everything I failed my father and his hope for me I failed as his daughter… My older sister was his successful daughter. His daughter. My father's little girl. I wasn’t strong. I didn’t want to be a doctor or lawyer. I always spoke my mind. I was open-minded. I was more artistic than athletic. I was everything he hated. To go through life without a father that was alive and well It’s heartbreaking It's degrading It’s idiotic My father always cared about my mother more than anything But be never treated her right He forgot about his children The yelling and screaming A child should have happy loving parents... Instead I got my terrible father and one loving, wonderful mother Unmatched. My father's mother was always on his side even when he was in the wrong My dad's side of the family are not very nice to me When I turned 18 I wanted to get rid of my middle and last name he gave me I did not want his name to reflect who I was Because I was nothing like him And I never want to be I was told by him that I was an ungrateful child I needed to learn respect But little did he know... His words will forever haunt me. I will always be sad about not having him in my life But I learned that toxic people don’t deserve the best And I was the best My father didn’t think so My dad's mother told me that I was disrespectful That I was a disgrace to her family That I was wrong Two years before my 18th birthday My dad's mother told me that I couldn’t make my own decisions ...I couldn’t do what I wanted That I will forever need to follow orders... He doesn’t accept my family He doesn’t accept my dreams He doesn’t accept my goals He doesn’t accept my beliefs He doesn’t accept my life He doesn’t accept me. He never did… The connection broke, along with my heart, For everyone with fathers, You are in a lucky spot. My missing father.