Mixed Emotions

I lie to myself about a lot of things

Some because I do not want to face the pain

Yes I am aware but I push away the feelings

Kind of like how a person’s brain pushes away dark memories

It’s like a dark blanket making your vision, feelings, and memories blurry

I have pushed my feelings about you away

don’t you dare say I am over you

because I most definitely am not

don’t tell me you never mattered

because if you didn’t then I won’t be hurting this much

months after we came to an end

I am reminded by the small but sure stabs to my heart

when I see you with her

I want you to know you are special

Yes I do love you to some extent

I can’t grant you full access because that would mean that

I would be yours forever

making me feel trapped and unloved because you are with someone else

In fact, I’ll never admit I love you

only because that would mean you won

You were my first

and for that you will never be forgotten

Congrats now you matter

even though you choose to not matter

I don’t think I am ready to lift the dense blanket

but only because I don’t want to get hurt once again

I don’t want to cry for endless nights

that would mean that I have given up

I like to think that I am stronger

that I can be happy without you

even if it means it’s fake

it’s working though

because see I even fooled you

the one responsible for all this pain

You clueless ungrateful dickhead

you’re losing