I write in hopes of being understood

Because explaining how I feel has not been my best

subject.

At night, I imagine scenarios that will never come

true.

Hoping, always hoping, I’d fall asleep soon.

but some nights, images and scenes I’m afraid of pop up.

And I can’t shake them from my mind.

My body shakes.

My heart races.

My breath uneven and heavy.

And I close my eyes against the darkened room,

Repeating her name over

and over

again until the image fades, and I’m once again left

with my happy movie that whisks me

away

away to the escape of sleeping.

And everyday is the same but different.

Same morning routine.

Same classes.

Same bus ride.

Same movie playing behind my eyes at night.

And I just wish someone could break me of this routine

because I feel like I’m falling faster and faster

into a hole of despair.

I don’t want to be that person.

I won’t be that person.

I am not Alice.

I will not fall down that hole.