For mom

I have a secret that has a bigger secret And for so long until now I can't keep it It’s my foil to the tragic story of my history It is neither a he nor she It keeps me up and alert through the lonely nights It keeps me from speaking by closing up my pipes So that I don’t scream for help The beauty is that this secret tries to tell me that I’m safe And that all the pain I felt (pause) is gone… Their fingers of cold isolation is my apparent sanctuary But for the spot where I’m standing, I’m trapped These fingers I tried to escape, like a prisoner of her thoughts I’ve had this secret for so long people see me and asked “why has she not snapped?” BUT TRUST ME I DID I mean I tried but instead of trying harder I quit… I once said that a clock could never be stopped But mine did, my time ran out, my time is still, I became so distant that I completely fell off the grid Of all the control of myself and my sanity I have left it is very little I only have a fake smile and a mask that reads “NO TRUST ME I’M FINE” smiley face But where did this all start, what’s the trace, the place, the DEGRACE That put me where I am in right now. Short story short is… I lost so much in such a small time, I can’t become attached Where I can’t feel anymore, I’m numb from my heart to my mind I hurt so much at such a young age that my heart has no love of any kind That’s my secret, But there is more that still keeps me in constant pain, That drives me insane, that one day I thought about opening up a vein, So that I could see that there was anything that was actually keeping me alive But before I did there, was something inside that began to thrive A pump of life… Goodnight.