mommy

Mommy I see your smile, you're beautiful 
Mommy when can I feel your hugs
Mommy when can I hold your hand. .
And tug 
Mommy..
Then the room goes dark
Pain bites me like a shark
And the thoughts overwhelming 
I remember peeing on the stick and seeing that faint positive sign
Your dad wasn't too kind but you were going to be mine. 
Then the blood started and it had no end
Your life hadn't even started and it came to an end

Mommy I met my sibling and my cousin Izzy
They tell me that you miss us that you miss me
Izzy is taking care of us like you asked her to
Mommy I really want to come down and be with you

Months go by and I end it with your father 
Lord knows if your were going to be my son or my daughter
At the end I fell to my knees 
Asking God  why me .. please .. please
Tears rolling down my face every time I'm alone
I lost it all I lost a home. 
I couldn't seem to think straight 
Like is this what I get ? Is this my fate?

Mommy I see you cry
Mommy please just try
You can't give up mommy
One my you'll have my sister or brother in your tummy
Mommy I believe you have so much ahead of you 
Mommy you're smart too
Mommy believe that you have a future
Mommy I'm learning you're a good teacher

Months go by and I found my best friend 
A year later and still has no end
Months back I had another angel
This time it hit me worse then my last
I thought the pain was in the past
I felt it this time 
I felt as happy as a women who loves old wine
I felt the excitement hit me
I was finally going to be "mommy"
The test came back positive 
And my body went through it and I was sensitive 
Days later I bled
Went to the doctor and the result she read
"Sorry for your loss"
"Sorry for your loss"
It kept going and going
Like what is this fucking life what am I doing
I give so much and it takes so much

Mommy I see you 
I see daddy too
Mommy I arrived safely
They carry me so gently
Mommy I found Izzy and my siblings
We're safe mommy I promise 
Mommy keep going .. your worries are dismissed 
Mommy .. mommy.. mommy

And it fades and I wake 
I hear my big sister tell me I never cared about you
That I wasn't taking care of me to care for you
How she assumed wrong .. she dared too
Assume I didn't care
Damn that Wasn't fair
For her to judge like she did
It hurt so bad that my feelings hid
I started to Think it was my fault
That I didn't do enough , that I did it nonchalant
I took it better this time 
Thanks to your dad, I'm fine
I believe in so much now 
I don't ask why any more or how
Because babies you are safe now 
Now I lay you all to sleep I pray the Lord your souls to sleep..
As I fall asleep at night
I pray you wake me when it morning light!