Mommy Issues

My mom said she’d be there forever

I believed her

Lets just say

I’m always the fool

She broke me down

And I kept on cutting

But she has never cared

I always thought that

It was all in my head

Constantly saying that i’m going crazy and that she does

Because i was too young for that

Right? 

Youth is something we all try to keep

Because those were the times where your mom barely yelled

And pencil sharpeners were for pencils

Lighters for candles

And hot water when you wanted to relax

Those were the fun times

People say “don’t grow up too fast”

But what do you do when your childhood was stolen and taken from you

Your innocence robbed

I didn’t really grow up with a dad

Sometimes he was there

But he still wasn’t really present

So i needed a mom

And i didn’t get one

I needed her

But she was rarely there for me

I had to rely on my older friends

I still have to

I have an older sister

But two broken people can’t really fix each other

Music had practically raised me

And this will sound weird but it has also been there for me

It was there when i relapsed

When i was on the floor balling me eyes out

My mother nor my sister was there

But music was

I prayed for a dad figure

And eventually gave up

I prayed for a mother figure

And also eventually gave up to

I have to act like everythings fine between me and her

When really

 It’s a broken relationship

The candle has burned and i’ve tried to light it

But when your lighter runs out of fuel

You know that you can’t fix something

That at this point

Isn't even worth fixing

I cry and cry wishing my mom would put on her mom jeans

And care about me

Especially when your child is self-harming

And it's all because of you

That's when it's time to do your job

And hold them close

Before it's too late

I toss and i turn

Wanting this day to go away

Praying that the next day

My mom won’t say i do it for attention

I’m begging for her to go away

I tell her to get out my room

Just to get a minute

But she won’t leave till i tell her what's wrong

But when i do

She threatens to send me back

I don’t wanna go back to that place

She says that she wants to relapse

But why would you tell your child that

Knowing their already hurting inside

All i wanted was a mom who cared

Who was actually there

I wonder

Was that so hard, mom?