Mom's Diagnosis

My mother was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen.
Moved like a cat... quiet, sleek and lean...but never mean.
She had a way about her...her "purr."

Daddy used to call her "pussycat."
Oh, and she hated that!
I'm sure it was sexual in nature.
And we saw what that got her...
Five kids, a roaming husband...20 years later.

A life that was passing her by
At light speeds that time couldn't defy.
All of a sudden, there was Mom...
A woman so SURE of herself.
Not true?? Well...see for yourself.

She'd been hurt, bad.
Almost drove her mad.
So very unhappy...
Could make your life crappy, too.

Til finally she just settled...
She gave up.
You see, she had no plan of back-up.
But she caught the eye of many a man.
It just didn't go as planned.
She could have had any man she wanted...
But she'd still have been a haunted soul.
Her unhappiness had taken it's toll.

There were a few times I saw Mom REALLY happy,
but that was rare...
She never let her guard down...anywhere.

All Mamma knew how to do was take care of people.
And in return, she got upheaval...in her life.
By design? I don't know.

Mom had a gift mentally,
but didn't know how to use it.
She was too busy worrying about what other people thought.
Like a damn juggernaut!
One minute, she was timid and coy...
The next, she was Helen of Troy!

Then Dementia caught up to her.
Left her mind like a clump of burrs.,
"Disrupting the transmission of nerve impulses, it is..."
Leaves you feeling, all "a 'frizz!"

It was happening to my Mother!
And there wasn't any other thing I could do...
Except stand there helpless. Whew!
Breathless...
Weightless...

I had to get a grip on myself!
When Mamma needed me the most,
I didn't know what the fuck I was doing!
Standing around, stewing in my own ego.

What the fuck did I think I could do??
Who could "I" talk to?

It wasn't about me! Why do I keep insinuating that?
I'd been knocked FLAT on my ass!
And couldn't come up swinging...
About all I could do, was stand there wringing my hands,
like a little girl.

What a pitiful sight!
Standing there...in my mind, wanting to re-write,
what I'd just heard...
Word for word.

Man, I was definitely swimmin' in "da Nile!"
And, you ask, "how can I be so versatile?"
I have no fucking clue.
Guess I got my survival skills from my Mom too.
She was always. so. calm.

I know I'm not calm, but Mamma was.
And for that, I give her applause.
That would have made her happy;
Alzheimer's made her mean and nasty...
Not my Mamma at all.
It turned her into a stone wall.

She recoiled in fright the last time I saw her.
That's when everything became a blur, for me.
It tore my soul in half, you see?

My mom didn't know who I was, and was afraid of me.
She became an absentee,
in her own life and the lives of her family.
For me...it was a calamity!

I'll never be the same.
Remember...Life is NOT a fair game.
It will kick your ass more times than not,
and take everything you've got...

Except your memories....and sometimes it'll take them too.

I miss you Mom...
God, I miss you.