The Monster I Was

How can I even try to begin to explain

When in my own head it's still just confusion and pain?

But I'll try anyway because all I see these days

Are your eyes saying "See what you threw away?"

I just want to scream "It wasn't me, don't you know?"

You see, that's the problem here, it wasn't me,

But sadly that isn't what shows

I don't feel like the girl in me

Is the one that everyone else will see,

That demon inside made sure of that

He couldn't let her live when she might fight back

He chased her away until she was almost no more

Then on top of that he turned and slammed that door

Do you see where I'm going yet? It wasn't her fault

He locked her away like a precious gem in a vault

She was so innocent, so pure and sweet

Now a days that seems like such an incredible feat

But that moster crawling under her skin,

He was the one who couldn't let you in

I lied! I cheated! Those words can't begin to describe what I've done

But taht monster had left me with nowhere to run

It was that horrible monster messing around,

Not that poor little girl he's letting drown

It was that monster that left me an ocean of regret,

That did those awful things you'll never forget

But that girl is still in there, way down deep

Ten thousand leagues down under that sea

She's being crushed, so slowly dying,

But if you listen hard you can hear her crying

Sobbing silently on her knees,

begging, please, someone help me

But that doesn't matter, does it?

I'm still just the girl who said "Screw it"

Because that's all we see in me

Is not what I am but what I shouldn't be

It doesn't matter if I'm hurting inside

Because what I've done made you run and hide

It doesn't matter what I do because at the end of the day

You're hurting too and you'll push me away

It doesn't matter if I beg and I cry

Because you still told me that you'd rather die!

I'm just as scared, lost and broken, it's true

But I still did what I did to you

I'm desperate, I'm trying

But how can I be strong when inside I'm crying?

You were always there but now you're not

I've destroyed it all and now I'm starting to rot!

Can't you see the terror I feel?

The fear of what I've lost that only you can heal?

You're so cold and distant not even God can reach you

So how am I, this monster, supposed to break through?

You're weak and broken and so full of hate,

But please don't turn around, don't close those gates,

I'm scared but you're so far away,

Screw you, come back, I won't stand for this decay!

You're better than that, and you know it,

So why won't you stand up, fight, and show it?

You can hate me and turn me away,

Doesn't matter cause I gave my heart to you anyway

I wish you'd come back to me,

I wish I could fix all of my mistakes

Believe me, I really do understand what's at stake

But I can't, and now.... I just don't know what else to say...