Muscle Memory

Loving you is like muscle memory Where at one time I thought You were everything And then you moved on And I attempted to love Other people But every time I thought I could move on I was reminded of the pieces of me you stole And the act of loving you Became not so beautiful Didn't feel as warm But all the same I still feel for you Sleepless nights full of sobbing pleas to beings on A separate plane of consciousness Became a ritual A seance for a love I thought I could bring back The ghost of the you That once existed And called me “Cute” And gave me that disarming smile That I thought made me special It’s frustrating Looking at someone and automatically replacing them with you in my mind Maybe I should find more people with your name So that If I ever experience The throes of passion again I won’t be calling them the “wrong” name And then I will be guiltless A kind of faithful adulterer That makes love so I can be with you In the sad Sick Twisted little place That exists in my mind So that I can relive Every touch you gave me That made me blush Why does it feel easier To repeat these self destructive acts of admiration than actually trying to move on? I can’t stop As much as I try To pull you out of my poisoned heart So that maybe I could heal Find someone better More deserving More appreciative of the brand of love I sell I wish there was a switch A button That would let me end this cycle Of anger, despair, adoration, and forgiveness You don’t deserve this much attention Without your distasteful, mediocre words Passable looks Undeserved confidence I should hate you Or at the very least detest being around you But I worked myself Into the pattern of your flaws and attributes And I cannot escape I keep being told That it just takes time I’ll get over it That I deserve better You just don’t know how to love You don’t know how to care And that we would never last But as days turn into weeks And months And eventually years I find that my heart is growing smaller And it gets harder to feel about much anymore Until I find my tears are only lavished On your uncaring self And all the happy experiences Remind me of that summer day where it rained And I thought it might be true When you said You liked me Loving you is like a muscle memory In the way where Every time I try to break away from the pattern My mind has set It just reverts Back to the me I want To grow away from In the subconscious ways Of thinking That I have initiated Like reaching for a cigarette I know will Eventually give me cancer Because I am “stressed” Like typing without looking Like remembering how to create cords on an instrument Loving you is like a muscle memory In the way where I’d need a lot of therapy To stop thinking of you as much as I do