My Battle

By: Crystal M. Schreiber

August 1, 2020r

I jusr want to take care of myself,

Ironically, everything I've done has been bad for my health.

I give my all in everything I do;

Not because I have something to prove,

But because I don't want to hurt any more.

I know that the change muse begin in my core.

I have had so many chances,

I have danced plenty fatal dances;

I've flirted with my demons and the monsters inside my head,

My demons have been there for so long,

When we don't fight, it feels... Wrong...

I am my own monster under my bed,

I am my own demon inside my head.

I am the reason my heart has been so broken;

I will not leave this life without leaving behind some token

Of appreciation for the battles I've won, as well as those I've lost.

For even the slightest shred of hope, I would gladly pay that ultimate cost.

I have moments in which I feel priceless;

I have moments where I've been drained by fighting my demons, almost lifeless.

Then I have those moments in which my own thoughts make no sense.

Which is why I reinforce the heart-guarding fense...

My mind is a labyrinth of chaos, sharp turns, and trap doors...

So close to catching a thought, but it slups through the floors.

My mind is a whirlwind of emotional turmoil and confusion,

A curiosity for the reason behind the happy illusion.

To acheive serenity in my own company... That is my one true dream.

Comfort in my own skin; pride in being myself like other's who have seen

My struggle and determination.

Those who see me as the woman in my imagination.

If only I could see myself the way they all seem to see me;

They all see me as the woman I want to be...

No one knows how far away from her I feel,

No one understands how I know that she's real,

And can still feel like she's so far out of reach.

I know I am all those good things I've heard them say;

I know that I will feel the truth on who I am one day.

Acceptence is the hardest thing for me to accomplish;

Because of my own stubbornness, it's my own happiness I demolish.

Self-sabotage is one of my strongest skills,

Above that is my own self-will.

Whether I feel weak or fearful,

I keep going to hold on to that hope to one day be cheerful.

I can feel my strength begin to smother my fear.

I can feel my self-loathing slowly start to dissolve...

I can feel my mind working toward a stronger resolve.

I am more determined and focused than I've ever  been before;

I know I will be strong enough to push my way through that door.

I will make it to a more peaceful life,

I've already paid a hefty price.

I am my own guiding light,

I will be the fatal blow at the end of this fight.

My demons will be put to rest,

I will show myself than I am at my best

When I do it for myself.

I won't win a fight if I'm fighting for someone else...

I would stand a chance to quietly slide through life,

If that were what I wanted... I could eventually become someone's wife...

For today, I just want to take care of myself;

I'd like to take my spirit off the back shelf,

Dust her off and stand her back up, tall and proud.

One day, I will get out from under my little storm cloud,

And I'll stand tall and hold my head up high, 

Because at that point, I will no longer feel the need to cry.

Rising above this battle I've fought for so long,

I will have made that place that I've alwayse wanted to belong.

Inner peace is what I want to feel,

And one day I will make it real.