My Breaking Point

It's not whether it's going to happen or not, because I know it's coming.  But rather when and how. What will push me over the edge and past my breaking point. How much more can someone that's just as bent, twisted, and out of shape as psychopath take before they snap like bridge that can't even hold its own weight. Here I am right now saying that I have reached the point of collapsing, I have reached my breaking point. Its at this moment that everything that has lead up to this point starts flowing out. My body has met maximum capacity of anxiety and like a overfilled water balloon I am ready to burst. My thoughts trying to find every way to escape, and with every tear that falls it gets that much harder to stop. It doesn't matter what set this off because everything is fair game now, all my fears, all my worries, and all my thoughts. I'm scared to go to college and be alone. What will I do when I break down just like this and have nobody to help me through it. If me and my best friend go to different colleges what will I do, I can't live without her. What if I don't get into college or what if I do and i'm way over my head. Im scared im going to amount to nothing. What is my mom going to do when we are all out of the house. I love my dad but im scared hes going to leave and just walk away. Im scared my family is never going to be a family again. I wonder where we went wrong and started to never get along. What if I don't get a job or end up getting a job that doesn't make me happy. I'm scared of my past and what I have done that I can't change. I wondered why I didn't break down on the anniversary of something so tragic but here I am falling apart now. Here I am one day and one year after and I cant get it out of my head. On top of everything else running through my head this is a whole different type of pain. The pain I feel isn't for myself but for everyone else that was and always will be affected by what happened that day. What I fear most out of everything is myself. I don't understand the way my brain works and it's not something i can't learn in a day or even 17 years. My brain is not something that doctors can explain and simply fix by prescribing me pill after pill.I don't understand why I am the way I am but I know I have a purpose... right? I'm falling apart at the seams as I write this but I know tomorrow I will be at school with a smile on my face, laughing and talking with my friends like everything is fine. But everything is fine at least for the moment. As broken as I am no one really knows it and no one will by just looking at me. When my melt down ends I will go on with my life like im loving it and happy to be here. My panic mind will calm down and my head will clear up. However that will only last until something triggers something in my head making my depressed anxiety filed thoughts go crazy and fog up my brain. But until then I'll be here smiling happy as ever!