My dear dad

Dear dad, I don't know what it's like to be addicted to pills. But I do know what it's like to be a witness to emotional kills. You told me you loved me. I'm thinking that this isn't real because I'm thinking of you when I get a whiff of your cigarette smell. So welcome to the bottom of my hell. They say that pain is my prison so let me out of my cell. You say you’re super proud of me but you don't know me that well. Sitting in my room constant tears running down my face so I yell, into my already soaked pillowcases. You tell I'm worthless and that I should be humiliated. I'm in a room with a painful letter from a parent that I barely know while there is a lady in the corner watching me while she's taking notes. I don't get it dad don't you want to watch your baby grow. I guess your pills are more important, but all you had to say was no. But you won't will you. I know you don't care about me, but I still feel you. You see I got this letter in my room from you and it kills me, but I don't need a letter from you dad. I need the real thing. Now a relationship is something that I'll never have. Why do I feel I have lost something that I never had. You were gone when I needed you the most, so where you at dad. I was too young to understand. Where you at huh. Yeah I know your pills held you captive, I can see it in your eyes your pills got your mind captured. Some say it's fun to get extremely high, but I'm not laughing. What you did not realize and what you are not grasping, is that I was nothing but a kid who couldn't understand the drug abuse. I'm not going to say I forgive you cause it hasn't happened. I thought time would heal me faster. But what I'm really struggling with is if you really cared about me then where you at then. In your last letter you were admitted to the hurtful, heart wrenching lies that you said weren't true. So I sent you back some of my best poems for you to read to you. You wrote me back and said you laughed and said that, that wasn't you. I guess a couple weeks later you were singing a different tune. Your pills took you from us once but I guess they came back to finish you. Crying my eyes out writing in my bedroom is difficult, but writing is the only way I can express my depressed self without sounding pitiful. Every time I read your letters, I could see you felt hollow. Gave everything you had plus your life them pill bottles. That for me is the hardest part of this to swallow. But what you don't realize is that for me growing up, you were the only one I ever wanted to see because I was tired of shoving those letters in a box and shoving them in my closet. We were never close. You see I write to you not because I have to but because I don't know how to deal with the thought of you doing drugs. All I wanted from you was to see you, and get some kisses and hugs. I know now that I'm not even going to see you at my graduation. Let alone hear you say congratulations, you left me at the window waiting and hating But My only question to you was, was it worth it, because I don't know what it's like to be addicted to pills but I do know what it's like to be a witness to emotional kills. So God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. I want you here but I know that that is never going to happen. With the utmost sincerest love, your son Chris.