My dear friend

My dear friend,

I’m scared of what’s happening to me.

There isn’t a day where I haven’t had a panic attack.

It feels like I’m dying faster.

I’m forgetting more.

My soul is practically gone.

I cry daily.

My heart is broken.

I’m broken.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

It’s killing me.

I need to find a way to stop this.

To fix me.

But I’m scared that it’s not gonna be possible.

I can remember the abuse so clearly but the last year

and a half of my life are practically gone.

I need help.

The pain is killing me.

I wish I wasn’t alone.

I wish I could be with you every day.

I don’t know what I’m going to do anymore.

I wish I didn’t exist.

What’s happening?

I know it isn’t my fault but it’s killing me.

I feel like it is my fault and that I’m doing this to myself.

You wanna know how it feels?

Imagine being in a car accident.

Your body aching from the crash.

Then your loved ones walk into the room and try to greet you

and make sure you’re ok but you’re not because you can’t even

recognize who they are.

You become a completely new person to the people around you.

And then your loved ones start leaving because they realize

you’re too messed up and there’s no coming back and they

leave because they can’t stand to look at you suffer.

That’s how I feel, only one-hundred times worse.

Why?

Because it’s happening.

It’s happening to me just without the car crash.

And you can’t truly imagine or feel this way because you

haven’t gone through this and even if you had, everyone is

different.

There’s so much pain running through my body and I feel it

rushing through my blood and I feel like I can just release

it if I were to cut my arms.

Because it’s where I feel the most pain.

I know it’s not going to fix anything so I’m not going to do it.

But I do wish I never existed or I wish I could die.

But I can’t.

I made a promise that I’m willing to keep no matter how great

of a pain I feel because I love you with all of my heart.

You don’t understand how much I love and need you in my life.

There’s so many things I would like to say but there’s only a

few at the tip of my tongue.

I solemnly swear to protect you with my life and soul from

any sort of harm that comes your way.

I will pick you up when you fall, no matter what the

circumstance.

You mean the world to me.

There isn’t a second that I don’t wish to be with you.

I feel lost without you.

I despise anyone who tries to intervene in our friendship.

What am I talking about?

This that we have is way beyond friendship.

We are a family.

We don’t need anyone else.

I love you with my entire life.

I have made a promise to myself that I will not die

because I strive to dedicate my life to making you the

happiest you can possibly be.

We’ve been through the toughest times of our lives recently

but that cannot defeat the love we share for each other.

We share the best moments together as well, which is all I

could ever ask for.

I enjoy the hugs we share, the kisses we exchange,

the pictures we take because they capture the moments we

share even though one image could never compare the

moment itself.

All the moments we share are as priceless as your life.

This year and the upcoming years, I promise, as before,

to dedicate my life to making you the happiest you can

possibly be.

So long as we stay together, even if not physically,

I will stay alive and fight anything in my path to live for you.

I love you.

Sincerely,

Ashley Cureno

Ashley Cureno